Help....

I feel trapped inside something I can't even beginning to explain.
It's hot and it's cold.
It's too fast and its mind numbingly slow.
It's painful but I feel so numb.

I feel the world withdrawing or is it me?
I am trying my best but my best isn't what it used to be.
Everyone is busy rushing around.
Rushing around makes me feel worse.

I try and cover up how I am feeling but then you say I am doing fine.
I appear to cope so well.
You don't know me.

I cry because the pain is unbearable.
I cry because I have lost sense of who I am.
I cry because I feel void and empty.
I cry because I feel alone in this.

But then I can't cry anymore because it all feels pointless and stupid.
Everything feels vain and empty.
The only thing running through my head is a big fat 'LIFE IS MEANINGLESS'

How can my life be to get up and just make it through another day of pain and agony.
To do enough that other people think everything is okay.
To cope enough.
What the hell is enough???

Right now I just need something and I don't know what.

Yes I know everyone has a lot to deal with.
I know people are coping with their own lot in life.
I know people are enjoying their happiness and their sorrow.
Don't take this the wrong way.
This is in no way directed at anyone.
This is my venting space.
This is the one thing that may keep me focused for today.

The Newbies

So we arrived to Australia a few weeks ago now. Since then we have managed to see a few things and do a few things in the first week that we were here. We had hired rental cars while Mum, Kev and Mosie were here. But for the last week and a bit we have been a little more home bound as we just haven't found the perfect vehicle for us to purchase yet.

We are living in Regional NSW, just out of Muswellbrook. It is a lovely town with a school straight across the road and the main street is two blocks over.

This is our house from the front - I plan on doing a proper house blog once of shipment arrives and I have some stuff to fill the space!

We have an awesome long driveway which is perfect for bikes, scooters, skateboards etc. I was a little worried at first about the property not being fenced at the front but the kids are doing surprisingly well. Apart from one incident while minding my friends children while she was in hospital. I tell you losing your own kids is terrifying but thinking about having to make the call to let someone else know you have lost one of there's - serious meltdown material!

Our backyard is bigger than the front and is perfect for games of cricket, football and rugby. I am lucky enough to have 5 decent size bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, 2 living areas, dining room and an office (which I'm plan on claiming as my craft space). The only down side is cleaning a house this big, I think I am beginning to imagine I work in a hotel or something!

The local Public School is straight across the road. It couldn't be more handy!

Found out this morning this is Quacks classroom.

We also have a Catholic church (not that we are Catholic), an RSL, a zebra crossing, a war monument and a playground all on our street, so it's a pretty happening place.

The kids love this playground.

And then 2 streets over we are in the main street. Our main street boasts numerous cafe, an IGA, a hardware store, post office, 2 pubs, a library, a craft shop, a lawyers, an emergency department, a takeaways, a gift shop, a general store, a lottery shop, a saddlery, a vets, a second hand clothing store, a petrol station and dvd store, a pet grooming place, a hairdressers, a reality office - I know I have forgotten a few too.

Wow! Its huge for such a small place!

I love the look of this shop. I haven't let myself go in yet as I am afraid to fall in love with everything.

The town hall that now houses the hairdresser and beauty shop

A quaint looking Cafe

Not todays petrol pump - just a historic one in the street

The emergency rooms

So even being stuck here without a vehicle isn't so bad. we are pretty well serviced. The thing that isn't so fun is being the newbies. Everyone here is pretty friendly and its seems like a great place to live. It is just hard not having friends and family to call around on or to have come for coffee. As the kids start school - Quack today and Jaybug on Wednesday - I hope to meet some other Mums, over time. There is also a Monday morning library playgroup for Squeak. But all in all its pretty scary having to put yourself out there and start from scratch.
I mean what if no one actually does coffee groups here? Or people are friendly in the street, the shops or the school yard but what if it never goes beyond that? What if people don't like the kids? Or me?

It really is hard being the newbies in town but this is also a new country too. There are lots of new words and normals for us to get used to. I'm sure the kids will pick up on things a lot quicker being in school. We went to the takeaways store the other night and trying to find a hotdog was a nightmare. Bubba ended up explaining that we were new here and the lady just laughed at us and said "and? so am I?". She isn't in my list of nice people I have encountered here. Then we asked for hotdogs and her and the other lady started giggling and asked us if we meant sausage in pastry? I thought it was batter but ok we will go with pastry.
Turns out they are called Pluto Pups? Strange huh! But seriously no need to laugh at us for not knowing people.

I am worried about things that the kids may say and be laughed at for. Things like jandals, slides, water fountains, felt pens and togs all have different names here. I guess slowly people will get used to these strange Kiwi's that have hopped the ditch but for now it is a heck of a nerve wrecking time.

The constant nagging in my head

With only two day left until we set our feet on the plane - the snowball seems to be speeding up and beginning to feel like it is taking me with it. I have tried to be pretty cool about things over the last few months and weeks. Not really wanting to think too much about the next stage.
The finale.
The goodbyes.
With the next days now about fly past in record timing I am starting to feel it more. Something I'm not very good at dealing with.

After a very debilitating episode of Postal Natal depression after the birth of squeak I have been terrified of letting myself feel too much. It is the thing that is on my back, whispering in my ear "You could end up there again, feel the sadness taking over".

I try to put up a very brave and organised front as this is my coping mechanism. Yes I gave depression a good kick in the nads but the memory of it haunts and terrifies me. What if it happened again? What if I get so lost I can pull myself out next time. These are some of the thoughts that thrash around in my head; daily.
Its a scary place, depression. Something that pulls you down and sucks the life out of you. I don't even recognise the person I was while I was in the throws of its clutches.

It is almost like being caught in a rip in the ocean. Being pulled out at no choice of your own. The more you fight it, the more tired you get. But that's what we all do. We see the weakness in the crumbling of the person we know as us.
Depression sucked every single ounce of life out of me until there was nothing left to do but let go. I haven't talked about it much as it is an ugly scar I hide very well - although something I see everyday.
I have been to the point where I could see nothing left here in life and that is the hardest and most distressing place to be. I have never felt so numb and disconnected from the world around me. I felt like I had my knees broken with a baseball bat and was thrown into the ocean with my hands and feet bound in a small inflatable boat. I was alive but just, and impeding death was drawing closer. I was dehydrating emotionally, waiting for the sharks of anxiety and terror to eat me alive and getting to a point where I could see nothing beyond this horrid ocean hungrily wanting to engulf me.

I have been that person who smiles emptily at people she passes. My mind completely shut off to any social kind of interaction. I have cried until I thought I would flood my kitchen floor for nothing more than there being "that feeling". I have been to the point where there is no feeling left.
I have asked myself why I am here?
what difference do I make?
how would it matter if I was gone?

I know it was a extremely painful time for anyone close enough to see the changes. I was taken to a place I pray no one has to go, not because it was a terrible place but because when that happens it is your last option.

All of this leaves me where I am today. Afraid of feeling too much. In particular, afraid of letting myself be sad, scared, nervous, anxious, worried, alone. I may have been found by my rescue boat and brought back to life but the memory of it remains. I never want to feel that way again. I never want to be that shell of a person so unable to see life as a gift.

But I am beginning to wonder if I keep trying so hard to run away from it, am I completely ignorant to it happening again? How long can I choose to shut myself away for? How long can I function in this very social life we live, not feeling what other people feel? It has caused me heartache to know that I haven't been a very compassionate soul. I have harden myself to the curveballs of life. But it takes its toll. It is now beginning to show and I am terrified the well disguised clothes I wear may unravel. I have begun to notice physical signs that this isn't good for me.

Headaches,
Being so wound up about things I can't stop even the little things going around and around in my head.
Harsh words towards people that I would never dream of,
The craving for nothingness, something that will help me escape (I choose not to be a drunk or substance abuser but I could be if I gave in).
The staring into space, so consumed by fighting me and my head,
The anxiety, that gets my stomach flipping, head spinning, mind racing, hands sweating.
The boiling inside that feel like it could explode any moment,
The weariness,
The need to control what is going on around me and make the decisions.


How can these kinds of things be healthy? But to me I am keeping that monster away from my life. The uninvited guest as I have described it before in a post. I am just so scared of being overthrown again but am I inadvertently allowing it by running away from the fear so fast?

I am scared to feel the sadness in goodbyes to friends and family. I have avoided most of this by knowing I haven't been actually leaving the country yet when I have said goodbyes so far.
I have left an amazing bunch of friends in New Plymouth, amazing ladies who have let me into their lives when I have held them at such an arms length. I said goodbye fooling myself into thinking I would see them again before I actually left. But here I am two days out and feeling the pain now of unfinished business.
I said goodbye to my Dad as if he was leaving after coffee at my house on his way back to work, bound to call in within a few days. I reflected the conversation away from goodbye to other relevant life issues right now - the fact that we can't get a phone line ( I know lame huh!)
I walked out of my church the last Sunday hugging a few people but not allowing myself to find the people that matter most and say proper goodbyes. Of course I blamed them and there lack of finding me before we left.

And now the plan in my head is being made for how I say goodbye to my Grandparents. I don't want to think about the fact that I may miss the final years they have. The guilt that would follow me leaving and not seeing them for awhile and something happening is too big to comprehend - so I don't. I push those thoughts so far away, but it still simmers silently in the background.
Mum and Mo are coming with me to help us settle in for a week and I am thanking God that Mo hates goodbyes as much as I do. I know that I can get away with a see ya, a smile, a wave down the drive as they head back to the train, home to New Zealand. But can I live with that being my closure?

How long can I run from the things that scare me? How healthy is it to live a life of avoidance? I am so busy running away from the 'what could bes' to notice that I am missing so much of living in the 'nows'.
So I need some help.
Help to dig deep and see that depression didn't kill me, even if it tried its best. Still it makes me shudder to think about it but I can't keep tiring myself, and those around me, by being so threatened by something that may or may not be. I need to live a life that lets me feel sadness and pain as without it how can I measure my happiness and love?

Stuff be gone

So after the children left NP we had one day to prepare ourselves for the departure of our personal affects. For Bubba this meant endless scrubbing and preparing of all his tools. As he works as a mechanic his tools are the lifeblood of his trade. As the packers were coming Tuesday this meant that he had a week of work tool-less - Hmmm is a mechanic without tools still a mechanic? (thinking if a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear does it still make a sound?)

For me this meant making sure everything that I needed and wanted in our new life had to be crammed into a room so we weren't aimlessly throwing items at random at the packing man.(Yes I have found plenty now that the house is empty that was meant to be in those boxes...)

I'm not sure how much sleep was achieved on the Monday night but by the face looking back in the mirror Tuesday morning I think not that much. I know I tossed and turned worry about whether we had more stuff then the quote, was everything there that need to be packed, was there too much that wasn't really necessary? All this rolled around and around in my brain, jumbling itself up and spitting out some weird thoughts.

This bird flew inside Tuesday morning and I could see the parallels of my life with its. I thought it summed up exactly how I felt about life right now. Looking out at the world, unsure of how to get where I was heading, and crapping myself thinking about the process.

This was a major day in the beginning of our new life. Truck and man arrived to take our belongings away to a new land. The lucky country - so we have been told it is called.

The packer came in and made some cheap jokes to try and relax the situation, as anyone could see I was wound as tight as a spring today. I nervously laughed at his jokes, the whole time thinking I hope this clown knows what he is doing. (When his colleagues arrived and called him Weeman all I could think was I knew you were from Jackass.) 
Everything he does or doesn't do will be the results of whether our things arrive in one piece or whether it will get there and need to all be gone through as he wasn't thorough enough to inform us about what will be checked at arrival port.

My brain was throwing me through scenario after scenario. So I sat staring at the wall unsure of what to do feeling like I didn't know where to start next. This went on for about 2 hours being pulled out of my trance when the phone would ring or Squeak come for a babble. I now see it is a control and trust issue. I didn't have control over what was where or how it was done and I didn't trust anyone to do things the way I would.

Then it was done. We had to sign the paperwork to say it was all packed and now in the hands on the storage and shipping agents.

Stuff be gone, we will see you on the other side of this adventure. 

Hopefully you will be in one piece and won't cost us any unplanned for costs. 

You will be clean enough and safe enough for the inspector standards. 

Be good and stick together.

You might need to look after the little teaspoons, they might get scared or seasick.

Dolly's be kind to one another, no fighting.

Books find a good read and settle in, it will be a while.

Goodbye precious things and remember we loved you enough to take you with us.

See you sometime next year things.

(My head spinning and my control being dragged away from my white knuckled fingers as the truck drives away.)

Fight or flight?

Today I find myself feeling...

A little bit unsure,
A little bit scared,
A little bit tearful.

A lot overwhelmed,
A lot nervous,
And a lot anxious.

Weeks have turned to days,
And days begin to turn to hours.
A life that has been planned and measured,
is now reckless and spontaneous.

Everything in my head is whirring around and around.
My stomach is constantly in my mouth.
I see myself,
watching myself,
shaking my head at myself.

What are you thinking?
When did you become so risky and unplanned?

I wish some kind words would take this all away but truth is this is real.
I am who I am.
Part of me is a pessimist who sees everything half empty.

My fight or flight reaction is beginning to take grip.
I feel like I want to run.
I want to escape.
I want to hide.
I want to wake up.

But I can't.
I can't let myself beat myself,
Again.

This time I will face my fears.
I will stare them down.
I will draw my guns and stand my ground.
All while my legs shake and my head spins wildly.

One day at a time.
Breathe.
One decision at a time.
Breathe.
One item off the endless lists at a time.

Hello old friends and welcome new friends

I have decided to update and move my blog as there are some big changes happening in my life and the lives of our family. There will be lots more to come on this over the next few weeks.

I am currently pulling my hair out and stressing a lot. There is just so much to do, sort, and remember! I have been losing many nights sleep wondering what the heck we are doing and is it all going to work out. My house is a MESS! I didn't realise how much toys, books, clothes, linen, kitchen ware, craft and junk (lots of junk) we owned. It appears I have been very good at hiding things away to look tidy and organised. But truth is all I have done is hide it from myself.

With the unknown comes the familiar return of an old friend. Anxiety. It has taken me a few weeks to figure it out (how quickly we forget). Nausea, dizziness, sweating hands, racing mind, temple headaches, lying awake for hours in the middle of the night, stomach turning flips. Sadly stress and I can't seem to live hand in hand all that well. Pressure turns me into a startled owl, flinching at every loud noise. I was once told that the body cannot withstand stress and anxiety for more than 5 to 6 hours straight. I must now say that I disagree. I feel like I have been living in this same state since we made our decision to completely change our lives 3 weeks ago. It's like being caught in a storm knowing that at some stage it has to end but being completely battered while you endure it.

I know we will be fine and it will eventually settle down and be exciting. Stress seems to be a good diet on the plus side. Seems one thing I don't feel like right now is eating. My mind is SO consumed with how, what, when, how and why that food seems to rate about the bottom of the list. Which reminds me I really should get back to today's task before the Husband arrives home and see's I decided to blog instead. 

I have missed you, dear blog, and all my blog land friends. I am hoping that I can find somewhere to record our BIG decision over the next few weeks, months and (I'm sure) years. I am in desperate need of some respite and safety to get my spinning thoughts down and you dear blog shall help me, as you have before.