On Wednesday I finally got to see a neurologist and finally got some of the answers I have been looking for. So now I have a firm diagnosis, something to define what is happening in my life. I'm not stumbling in the dark or wondering about the what ifs. It is something that can't be cured but it can be "managed". For now I am thankful that it wasn't something else, something degenerative. But it is still hard to come to terms with. Life, as I knew it, will never be that way again. And I think this is the part I am finding the hardest to deal with. It isn't just a broken bone that is going to heal, or an infection that is going to clear. I have a chronic disorder {is that even what they labelled it?} called fibromyalgia
I do a pretty good job at keeping it together, or at least making it look like it. But the truth is I don't have it all together and I'm not coping. My house would be the first tell tale sign for anyone who knows me well. Lately it has been strewn with dirty clothes and dishes, toys all over the floor, clutter all over the benches. Don't even ask me when I last time I moped my floors or scrubed my bathroom.
Yes this is me. Queen of clean and everything in it's place.
No I haven't gone to some intense therapy or finally given into the "it'll wait", "don't stress too much", "everything can't always be perfect" slogans.
My life has literally gone beyond my breaking point.
I can't tell you the last time I read my kids a bedtime story or didn't get angry and yell at them for asking me to tuck them in bed. I haven't met my kids teachers and we just broke for term one holidays today - I have had eleven weeks! serious soaking in the guilt of bad mothering.
Everyday I feel I fail them more.
I don't know how to react when I see their behaviour because I'm not well again or I haven't made it to something for school - yet again.
I don't know what to say when they yell and cry at me for always being sick and never taking them to do things anymore or having their friends over to play.
It breaks my heart to know I am not the Mummy I was.
So what has stopped me from all these things?
Have I suddenly done a reverse flip and learned to be the opposite of everything I ever was?
Because some days that's exactly how it feels.
I don't know what happened to the woman who enjoyed life, looked forward to doing things with her kids, was proud of her house, spent every spare minute baking, sewing, crocheting or some other craft. What happened to the lady to looked forward to seeing her friends, couldn't wait to pick up a new book to read or see a movie? Where is the drive that taught me to write with both hands just to retain study information or my passion for music?
{yes I have pretending to try and still do all these things over the last few months to keep up appearances but it just ends in tears with me feeling exhausted and inadequate}
Instead I have been swapped for someone I don't even recognise. Someone in unbearable pain - constant headaches and migraines, burning and aching muscles, tingling and numb limbs, chronic fatigue, irritable bowel, a dairy intolerance, disrupted sleep, multiple chemical sensitivity. And those are just some the physical symptoms.
Then there is the days I can't think straight, or decipher words spoken to me. When I can't get words out because I stutter or jumble them up or can't find the word at all. When I can't concentrate to read, drive, have a conversation or even watch tv. Or when I am so emotional, angry, grumpy, sad, anxious, and the most common of my symptoms vacant.
Brain fog they like to call most of this except unlike fog it isn't just there for an hour or so in the morning before it clears {It can last hours, to days, to weeks - jumping between various symptoms or stuck on one}.
I'm sure there are only two people who see me at my worst. I know I have sometimes let friends in on a little but I never fully let my guard down. But for most people they wouldn't know any of this existed.
When I go out I suck it up and I pull it together the best I can. I hide behind dark glasses and sarcastic comments, when all else fails. When life is even to unbearable to pretend for those few hour I hide.
I stay home and I hibernate.
I shut myself out and I avoid at all costs.
Never letting anyone see the reality of this world I am in.
But the reality is it is getting too big for me to expect just one or two people to carry the load of. I see the worry and the wear on their faces and know I need more help. So this is just step one. Admitting I have a problem and I need some help and I am not okay anymore - even though tomorrow I will still smile and still pretend to be. This is now my life not able to be cured but somehow needing to be managed.
{(without caffeine) which when you already feel extremely tired and crap and it has been the only thing to get you through the last few months it is a hard thing to hear}
Showing posts with label Personal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Personal. Show all posts
Friday, April 12, 2013
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
the BIG whinge
They say the grass always looks greener on the other side. Currently we have lush green grass, due to an unusual amount of summer rain, but that is about where it stops.....
Life is daunting and uncertain.
I carry the weight of it all and it all compounds in my head at 3am when I am tossing and turning.
It suddenly hits me in the quiet moments when the kids are at school and Squeak and I are cuddled up on the couch watching a movie together.
The reality is in my head as I pay another medical bill, cancel a specialist appointment or as I try to avoid going to buy more medication that we can't afford right now.
As much as I love being a stay at home Mum this world we now live in makes it very hard for this to be possible. I know that I have been lucky enough to have this privilege for longer than a lot of other people now days. Reality is that we need an extra income now as I just can't see another way through. And in this lies a problem of its own - childcare. I didn't have children for someone else to raise them or look after them while I pursued dreams of my own. But now it isn't even about that, it is to the point where me working is about the only way to add that extra few dollars that is continually required; for school, living costs, groceries, petrol, insurances. Don't even start to talk about savings toward buying our own house or going on some luxury holiday - in my mind there is no chance. Or the fact that I have lost 16kg and a new wardrobe is nothing but a fairytale I dream.
Yes we could look at reducing our living costs as rent here is exorbitant due to the market demand but once we move other sacrifices come into play. The children would have to look at moving from an amazing school where they have made awesome friends. BUT Driving them back to school would defeat the purpose of moving to reduce costs.
We are at the advantage in our current property to rear our own animals for meat and to grow our produce - which in the long run will benefit both our pockets and health. The ability to know what is chemically in our food is necessary for my health. Unfortunately getting a garden establish requires time and MONEY. Long term benefits and gain YES! but short term it is just unachievable right now.
Jobs aren't something that is abounding for a mother of three with no skill or qualification. I know this is something I am going to face when ever I choose to take that step towards the working world and it is scary as hell. My health is also another concern as we still are no better off in answers as to why I get debilitating migraines, torturous nerve pain, weakness in my limbs, brain dysfunctions, creeping numbness with pins and needles and so much more.
Medication and maintaining a healthy lifestyle is what is helping me to even function in life {I am currently on day five of a migraine that has finally won putting me in hospital for stronger medication BUT which made me chronically ill due to a reaction I had to it}
It worries me to think of putting more stress on my body than it can cope with. We are currently awaiting specialist appointments but these again are just another financial strain.
I have become a Tupperware demonstrator in the hope to fill in a few of the money gaps but unless I get the demonstrations and only when they are of a certain amount in sales is there any benefit and gain. I am now imagining myself working at McDonalds or Hungry Jacks as it is about all there is available for someone of my skill. But whats the point in the extra $100 in our pockets for the stress?
I wish I was going to Ruawai this weekend to spend time with my family for my grandparents 60th wedding anniversary but I. just. can't. and its another one of those moments where you have to live with the choice of being in another country. In moments like this I feel the heartache of our decision to be here and when things are tough financially and in health I sometimes wonder if it is all worth it.
We moved here because we wanted a better life for our children and while Corey and I suffer the pain of being here the kids are doing really well. They love school and their friends. They are achieving above standard in their learning and sport. But would they do that anywhere? I question myself everyday.....
We know that we moved because we didn't realistically have a chance of bettering ourselves in NZ. Here I know we do. We didn't have parents who took our kids so that we could have time together or time out, so here it isn't much different. We had great friends who we relied on, and I miss many of them daily, but we are developing and growing strong friendships here.
Our biggest support was seven hours away - they are now roughly the same amount of time with a plane ride too. We have the landline phone now to keep in contact with everyone but still it barely rings. People are quick to say they wish they could help but the reality is there was a chance to and they never did so we aren't missing much.
Yes life is hard but I suck it up and I get on with it. Most people would have no idea because we aren't the kind of people to moan and groan. We try our best to fix our problems and find our own solutions without relying on other people. Yes this is a BIG whinge but we are going to sort it the best we know how. Stumbling our way through and feeling that great sense of achievement when we know we got there by ourselves. I just needed to get it out of my head that is already exploding beyond my control.
Life is daunting and uncertain.
I carry the weight of it all and it all compounds in my head at 3am when I am tossing and turning.
It suddenly hits me in the quiet moments when the kids are at school and Squeak and I are cuddled up on the couch watching a movie together.
The reality is in my head as I pay another medical bill, cancel a specialist appointment or as I try to avoid going to buy more medication that we can't afford right now.
As much as I love being a stay at home Mum this world we now live in makes it very hard for this to be possible. I know that I have been lucky enough to have this privilege for longer than a lot of other people now days. Reality is that we need an extra income now as I just can't see another way through. And in this lies a problem of its own - childcare. I didn't have children for someone else to raise them or look after them while I pursued dreams of my own. But now it isn't even about that, it is to the point where me working is about the only way to add that extra few dollars that is continually required; for school, living costs, groceries, petrol, insurances. Don't even start to talk about savings toward buying our own house or going on some luxury holiday - in my mind there is no chance. Or the fact that I have lost 16kg and a new wardrobe is nothing but a fairytale I dream.
Yes we could look at reducing our living costs as rent here is exorbitant due to the market demand but once we move other sacrifices come into play. The children would have to look at moving from an amazing school where they have made awesome friends. BUT Driving them back to school would defeat the purpose of moving to reduce costs.
We are at the advantage in our current property to rear our own animals for meat and to grow our produce - which in the long run will benefit both our pockets and health. The ability to know what is chemically in our food is necessary for my health. Unfortunately getting a garden establish requires time and MONEY. Long term benefits and gain YES! but short term it is just unachievable right now.
Jobs aren't something that is abounding for a mother of three with no skill or qualification. I know this is something I am going to face when ever I choose to take that step towards the working world and it is scary as hell. My health is also another concern as we still are no better off in answers as to why I get debilitating migraines, torturous nerve pain, weakness in my limbs, brain dysfunctions, creeping numbness with pins and needles and so much more.
Medication and maintaining a healthy lifestyle is what is helping me to even function in life {I am currently on day five of a migraine that has finally won putting me in hospital for stronger medication BUT which made me chronically ill due to a reaction I had to it}
It worries me to think of putting more stress on my body than it can cope with. We are currently awaiting specialist appointments but these again are just another financial strain.
I have become a Tupperware demonstrator in the hope to fill in a few of the money gaps but unless I get the demonstrations and only when they are of a certain amount in sales is there any benefit and gain. I am now imagining myself working at McDonalds or Hungry Jacks as it is about all there is available for someone of my skill. But whats the point in the extra $100 in our pockets for the stress?
I wish I was going to Ruawai this weekend to spend time with my family for my grandparents 60th wedding anniversary but I. just. can't. and its another one of those moments where you have to live with the choice of being in another country. In moments like this I feel the heartache of our decision to be here and when things are tough financially and in health I sometimes wonder if it is all worth it.
We moved here because we wanted a better life for our children and while Corey and I suffer the pain of being here the kids are doing really well. They love school and their friends. They are achieving above standard in their learning and sport. But would they do that anywhere? I question myself everyday.....
We know that we moved because we didn't realistically have a chance of bettering ourselves in NZ. Here I know we do. We didn't have parents who took our kids so that we could have time together or time out, so here it isn't much different. We had great friends who we relied on, and I miss many of them daily, but we are developing and growing strong friendships here.
Our biggest support was seven hours away - they are now roughly the same amount of time with a plane ride too. We have the landline phone now to keep in contact with everyone but still it barely rings. People are quick to say they wish they could help but the reality is there was a chance to and they never did so we aren't missing much.
Yes life is hard but I suck it up and I get on with it. Most people would have no idea because we aren't the kind of people to moan and groan. We try our best to fix our problems and find our own solutions without relying on other people. Yes this is a BIG whinge but we are going to sort it the best we know how. Stumbling our way through and feeling that great sense of achievement when we know we got there by ourselves. I just needed to get it out of my head that is already exploding beyond my control.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Frustrated - Not the normal hearts and flowers post
- I am frustrated at the medical profession and their lack of empathy.
- I am frustrated at the heat.
- I am frustrated that I can't explain to anyone what I am going through.
- I am frustrated that I am unable to keep my house the way I like it to be.
- I am frustrated that all the tests come back "normal" when the quality of my life is anything but.
- I am frustrated that I can't just up and run away.
- I am frustrated that family is so far away.
- I am frustrated with the flies and not being able to use a Robo-can this year.
- I am frustrated with the cost of medications that seem to be a band-aid to problems not addressing why the symptoms are there.
- I am frustrated I am losing touch with my children.
- I am frustrated that I am changing.
- I am frustrated that people choose not to see or help.
- I am frustrated that the smallest task leaves me incredibly tired and fatigued.
- I am frustrated that I am trying and yet it seems worthless at this time.
- I am frustrated that I can't fix it, just get over it or suck it up {all of which I was good at}.
- I am frustrated we live so far from services and the toll it take to get places, physically and financially.
- I am frustrated enough I have to get this out, instead of keeping it to myself, which I have been doing and making no sense of things.
- I am frustrated that my body doesn't feel like it listens to me anymore.
- I am frustrated at all this illness {even though no one can or will name it} has taken from me.
- I am frustrated and scared and struggling my way through this.
Somehow life does go on in the midst of our darkness and we have to try and make sense of it before it drives us crazy. We don't have the support networks and help we could have if we lived in NZ, but the reality is we couldn't afford to live there with three young children. We are doing what we can to get on our feet here in Australia and unfortunately money does play a role in all of that.
The roads that we are heading down for help for my health is extremely costly for one. We are also blessed to have found a G.P who is doing all he can to point us in the right path for help - but he is only one man. We need more help than just him.
For now I have one word and that is frustrated. It covers so much of what I am feeling and thinking. If you don't like it, that is fine, you don't have to. I am the one who lives with the reality of this everyday and if I want to be frustrated by it, I think I have earned the right.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Today
Today I struggle with the never ending cycle of MCS {Multiple Chemical Sensitivity}.
I know MCS had changed who I am, how I think, speak, act and react, and operate.
Today I feel like an unadequate mother, unable to drag myself from the couch.
Today I wonder what a life without MCS would feel like.
Today my head thumps like a constant drum.
Today my brain refuses to function to its normal capacity.
Today I feel like I am wrapped in a fog.
Today I wonder whether a normal life is possible again.
Today I think of all that has changed lately.
Today I don't know who this person inside my shell is.
Today I am grumpy and on edge.
Today I am so tired it is an effort to breathe.
Today I know I am someone different to twelve months ago.
Today I wonder if I will push anyone else away.
Today I wish I had the words to explain.
Today I know there will be a tomorrow,
And there is hope tomorrow is better than today.
I know MCS had changed who I am, how I think, speak, act and react, and operate.
There are things I have done and said that are a complete breakdown of brain function at times.
I am grateful for friends and family who have seen the effects of this and have stuck by with understanding and compassion.
 |
| The way I would graphically try to explain MCS |
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Project Life 2013
I have finally been convinced, arm
twisted, and fallen in love with a style enough, to Project Life 2013. deep breath, long sentence...
Thanks to Emily. {you need to give me your blog address}
Emily has recently moved from Queensland to our little country life here. We met through the facebook page for our 12WBT here in NSW and have been training together when we can. Emily and I have hit it off like oxygen and fire. We have so many similar interests its a little scary. I find Emily to be an amazing inspiration and support in both her 12wbt transformation but also in her outlook in life. I have really fallen in love with her style of Project Life and we have sat and played and tried ideas for how it will work for me. So our 2013 kits are currently making their way from Crafthouse and I am eagerly waiting for it to arrive so we can start setting up and planning.
Emily is a true planner after my own heart. I know this is where I have been a little worried about getting into Project life in the past. I like to be organised, make lists, have a plan and have worked out every possible fall down before I commit. The way I have watched it fall over and fail for others has not given me the faith to jump in and make the purchase.
I know this coming year will be my year to Project Life - with lots of things planned to happen for 2013 - and with Emily's help, and willingness to sit and listen to my crazy ideas, I know we will both find a way to work together on our individual styles for Project Life.
With a couple of months out to January 1st 2013 maybe someone else wants to join our crazy planning group?? Whose arm might I twist I wonder? I look forward to following you if you decide to PL-2013 along and will be madly using my pintrest for ideas.
What is Project Life? Its a brainchild of Becky Higgins in an attempt to get people back into simple scrapbooking.
You can find out more info here
Ordering for Australia and New Zealand is available here
Thanks to Emily. {you need to give me your blog address}
Emily has recently moved from Queensland to our little country life here. We met through the facebook page for our 12WBT here in NSW and have been training together when we can. Emily and I have hit it off like oxygen and fire. We have so many similar interests its a little scary. I find Emily to be an amazing inspiration and support in both her 12wbt transformation but also in her outlook in life. I have really fallen in love with her style of Project Life and we have sat and played and tried ideas for how it will work for me. So our 2013 kits are currently making their way from Crafthouse and I am eagerly waiting for it to arrive so we can start setting up and planning.
Emily is a true planner after my own heart. I know this is where I have been a little worried about getting into Project life in the past. I like to be organised, make lists, have a plan and have worked out every possible fall down before I commit. The way I have watched it fall over and fail for others has not given me the faith to jump in and make the purchase.
I know this coming year will be my year to Project Life - with lots of things planned to happen for 2013 - and with Emily's help, and willingness to sit and listen to my crazy ideas, I know we will both find a way to work together on our individual styles for Project Life.
With a couple of months out to January 1st 2013 maybe someone else wants to join our crazy planning group?? Whose arm might I twist I wonder? I look forward to following you if you decide to PL-2013 along and will be madly using my pintrest for ideas.
What is Project Life? Its a brainchild of Becky Higgins in an attempt to get people back into simple scrapbooking.
Ordering for Australia and New Zealand is available here
Saturday, October 27, 2012
I don't mind if you get a little green eyed
So it's been awhile and lots has happened. We have had parents times two visit, school holidays, my cousin from Perth, and weeks of continuing to follow the 12wbt plan. Lately I've had a few run-ins with my good friend MCS and have suffered migraines, tiredness, new medications, and mood swings, thanks MCS for being so darn awesome...
But there have also been a few BIG milestones in the last week.
Bubba and I celebrated our six year wedding anniversary last Sunday. A few years ago the diamond fell out of my engagement ring and we have always talked about replacing it but haven't gotten around to it. But recently I had an epiphany that engagement rings don't have to equally diamonds. I have a few friends with some pretty awesome engagement rings with out being the perceived regular diamond ring.
So I told Bubba of this revelation and the way I felt emeralds caught my personality a little more than the diamond I had tried to fit. And tada what would appear but this
But there have also been a few BIG milestones in the last week.
Bubba and I celebrated our six year wedding anniversary last Sunday. A few years ago the diamond fell out of my engagement ring and we have always talked about replacing it but haven't gotten around to it. But recently I had an epiphany that engagement rings don't have to equally diamonds. I have a few friends with some pretty awesome engagement rings with out being the perceived regular diamond ring.
So I told Bubba of this revelation and the way I felt emeralds caught my personality a little more than the diamond I had tried to fit. And tada what would appear but this
As I started to blog a few weeks ago I have been following the Michelle Bridges 12WBT and although I have had a crazy few week, hmmm like 6 weeks to be exact, I have contined to follow the program. It's been a slower path than I expected in the start but I now see the reality is hard work and slow progress for sustainability. But I can proud say I've lost just over 5kg since I started! I'm warning you to look away now if your not game to see underwear shots but this is the reality of my journey. Nine weeks of working my butt off has not made me look like a supermodel and I doubt that another nine years would!
Even more exciting is finally fitting this dress that I was given. It was inches too small in the waist area and far beyond doing up when I was given it in July this year. But this morning it is zipped!
I would still get some breathing comfort from another few inches so this is my next goal...
I have also found the inspiration to finally get my craft makings out to the world. I have finally found a name and I am working on a design at the moment. So watch this space for the launch of my online selling presence!
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Wake Wee Weigh Wednesday
So its only been 3 days on the 12WBT challenge and today we have our first weigh in. I have managed to lose 500gm. I was a little upset to begin with but after so tough love and wise words of friends and family I have realised that my journey isn't anyone elses, and therefore we wont have the same results.
So how am I finding it?
LOVE!!
I love the program.
So how am I finding it?
LOVE!!
I love the program.
- It takes the hassle out of having to sit down and work out good meals and the calories that they have.
- The exercise plan seemed a LOT with 6 days but I am finding getting up earlier to work out leaves me in a much better place for my day.
- I have a WHOLE bunch of support. Everyone is here doing it together and there is lots of encouragement and people to bounce ideas and questions off.
- The food is LIFETIME-able. The nutrition plan does NOT cut out food groups. I am eating so much more than I used to but so much better than I ever have.
- The program will give you what you put into it. There are preseason tasks which even in the first days have been my power. I know what I WANT. I know MY GOALS. And most importantly I know my EXCUSES.
"It doesn't have to be perfect, it doesn't even have to be pretty. You just have to get it done!"
Friday, August 24, 2012
Life must change
After a few months of up and downs I am back.
Here are a few catch ups and a few newies.
My laptop has been helped by Squeak, as in it wont log on any more. So its mobile or borrowed of current.
My health is frustrating. Multiple chemical sensitivity is going to be a long journey of finding how to get well and protect myself in our broken environment.
After migrain medication has not helped my specialist has taken me off it 6kg heavier.
The meds have contributed to my weight but I also havent looked after myself in the exercise department as I had been wallowing in my oh woe MCS me.
My eating and exercise habits have to change (enter Michelle Bridges 12WBT).
I have signed up for the next round of the 12 week body transformation challenge. I know some friends have done this current round with great results.
I am looking for a lifestyle chance not a quick fix. So Monday 27 August marks day one of my next twelve weeks of the rest of my life.
I will document the twelve week changelle and review the program here as well as other bits of life that creep in too.
Looking forward to hearing all my lovely dedicated followers cheer me on and hoping to make some new friends along the way.
here is more info on the 12 week body transformation program. You can also find it on Facebook and twitter too.
Here are a few catch ups and a few newies.
My laptop has been helped by Squeak, as in it wont log on any more. So its mobile or borrowed of current.
My health is frustrating. Multiple chemical sensitivity is going to be a long journey of finding how to get well and protect myself in our broken environment.
After migrain medication has not helped my specialist has taken me off it 6kg heavier.
The meds have contributed to my weight but I also havent looked after myself in the exercise department as I had been wallowing in my oh woe MCS me.
My eating and exercise habits have to change (enter Michelle Bridges 12WBT).
I have signed up for the next round of the 12 week body transformation challenge. I know some friends have done this current round with great results.
I am looking for a lifestyle chance not a quick fix. So Monday 27 August marks day one of my next twelve weeks of the rest of my life.
I will document the twelve week changelle and review the program here as well as other bits of life that creep in too.
Looking forward to hearing all my lovely dedicated followers cheer me on and hoping to make some new friends along the way.
here is more info on the 12 week body transformation program. You can also find it on Facebook and twitter too.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
THAT!! child
Does anyone else have that child? Is there a rule for which number child it falls on? Or if you only have one do they display that child tendencies as a role they must fill?
You all know that child I'm talking about.
The one that scuffs brand new $50 shoes in the first five minutes they are on their feet.
The one that would find the only dog poo to trod through in a 5km radius.
The one who cuts there own hair not once, not twice but three days in a row.
The one who packs up their friends and runs away from the house they are playing at to one of the others house and hides along the way so the parents can't find them.
The one that puts the cat in the shower every time they have one.
The one who rubs lipstick into the white carpet.
That child who has been told off FIVE times for doing the same thing but still looks at you blankly and says "What???" in a lost and vacant voice when you finally lose the plot.
The child who will wait until you have poured two drinks and then one for yourself, while they stand watching, you finally sit down to relax and then they ask for one!
The one who thinks fun is swinging from the new handrail and ripping it out of the wall.
That child who every time you go shopping just has to use the toilet!
Or the one who takes your friends children to the shed with them and plays with oil and petrol while you sit for a relaxing coffee with a friend.
The one who opens the door with a chair, while you are feeding the baby, and decides to walk to McDonalds.
That child that yells and screams any time the phone rings or you are out in public to make you look like the worlds flaky parent.
The one who breaks things in the first five minutes of wearing/owning/playing with.
The one who has no fear in the question they will ask total strangers - like "did your babies come out your bottom too?"
The one who pushes or hits your friends kids and then innocently denies it even when you were watching.
The one who drinks dishwashing liquid, bubble liquid, hand soap, washing powder or floor wash.
That child who eats a packet of contraceptive pills from the bedside table.
You all know that child right?
The one who makes you cry because you just don't know what to do with them anymore.
The one you attribute all your grey hairs to.
The one who makes you feel like you are failing as a parent.
Does it get better?
Do they grow out of it?
Will I forever find myself saying "Honestly! That child!!".
One day I know there will be that child stories that will be laughed over and shared.
Stories that you will tell when comforting friends over there very own that child.
Tales that will be told about you when you complain about your that child and your losing of sanity.
But for now I am in the season of life where that child does things daily, if not numerous times a day. Some days I have to laugh because I can't cry or yell anymore.
I do love that child as much as all the other but that child sure tests my ability as a Mum!
nb: not all of these scenarios are from my real life 'that child', I have taken the liberty to share other people's that child experiences so that we all feel like we are normal.
You all know that child I'm talking about.
The one that scuffs brand new $50 shoes in the first five minutes they are on their feet.
The one that would find the only dog poo to trod through in a 5km radius.
The one who cuts there own hair not once, not twice but three days in a row.
The one who packs up their friends and runs away from the house they are playing at to one of the others house and hides along the way so the parents can't find them.
The one that puts the cat in the shower every time they have one.
The one who rubs lipstick into the white carpet.
That child who has been told off FIVE times for doing the same thing but still looks at you blankly and says "What???" in a lost and vacant voice when you finally lose the plot.
The child who will wait until you have poured two drinks and then one for yourself, while they stand watching, you finally sit down to relax and then they ask for one!
The one who thinks fun is swinging from the new handrail and ripping it out of the wall.
That child who every time you go shopping just has to use the toilet!
Or the one who takes your friends children to the shed with them and plays with oil and petrol while you sit for a relaxing coffee with a friend.
The one who opens the door with a chair, while you are feeding the baby, and decides to walk to McDonalds.
That child that yells and screams any time the phone rings or you are out in public to make you look like the worlds flaky parent.
The one who breaks things in the first five minutes of wearing/owning/playing with.
The one who has no fear in the question they will ask total strangers - like "did your babies come out your bottom too?"
The one who pushes or hits your friends kids and then innocently denies it even when you were watching.
The one who drinks dishwashing liquid, bubble liquid, hand soap, washing powder or floor wash.
That child who eats a packet of contraceptive pills from the bedside table.
You all know that child right?
The one who makes you cry because you just don't know what to do with them anymore.
The one you attribute all your grey hairs to.
The one who makes you feel like you are failing as a parent.
Does it get better?
Do they grow out of it?
Will I forever find myself saying "Honestly! That child!!".
One day I know there will be that child stories that will be laughed over and shared.
Stories that you will tell when comforting friends over there very own that child.
Tales that will be told about you when you complain about your that child and your losing of sanity.
But for now I am in the season of life where that child does things daily, if not numerous times a day. Some days I have to laugh because I can't cry or yell anymore.
I do love that child as much as all the other but that child sure tests my ability as a Mum!
nb: not all of these scenarios are from my real life 'that child', I have taken the liberty to share other people's that child experiences so that we all feel like we are normal.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
The horror and hauntings of everyday life
Being woken again by the howl and barking of neighbourhood dogs really pipped me. I struggle with sleep a lot and being woken from it, when I have finally managed to find it, is not my ideal world. Lying silently in bed I find myself hearing more than just the mad yelps of the neighbourly mutt, there is another strange sound somewhere out there in the still night.
Its hard to explain what it sounded like. I lay there searching my memory bank for the sounds, clawing my way through my mind to as what it might be. Uh huh - I've got it. It reminds me of one time when I went clay bird shooting. Pop - the disc is whipped into the air, Kshhhh - the disc being shattered. But it sounds so close? Then again in the night air everything sounds as though there are no walls. But in the mid of night how could anyone see to be clay bird shooting?
Ok back to my brain for something more logical. Mine blasting? The sound could carry at night but I know the usually do this midday when there are road closures in place. About now I realise that the body lying beside me is awake. Corey jumps up to look out the window thinking the next door neighbour is being broken into. "Oh crap!" and he runs down the hall to the spare bedroom for a better look. What the!! So I jump up at yank up the blinds for a look. Oh I see....
Following along to the spare room we both stare out the windows in jaw gaping shock. The house behind us is being engulfed in flames. The noise we hear is the shattering of windows against the intense licking of flames. Bright orange flames are dancing through the night sky. Its raging against the still of the night.
I must get my camera.
Adrenaline takes over and I find myself draw to the flames like a moth to a light.
I can now see the fire crew with a hose struggling against the evil that has penetrated this defenseless house. A single jet of water spraying at the roof. A second fire truck arrives and with it TWO fire crew climb out.
Two. Men. That's. It.
Its clear that the house is a goner, being violently eaten away at by raging flames. But there is another point being so shockingly absorbed by my brain. Are our local fire crews so badly in need of help that a fire truck can be sent out with two men?
Its clear that the home is in no way salvageable but there is still a job to be done. Fire crew must work to dampen the flames and make the mangled home as safe as they possibly can. We hear the crew ask the men who are already there if everyone got out and too our relief a yes is returned. Corey and I stand shell shocked looking at this house which a few hours ago was a home.
Are we prepared for something like this to happen? We have one stairway which leads from the upstairs where the bedrooms are located in our house. We begin to talk. My worry is what if by the time we awoke the stairs were engulfed in flames? Our obvious escape is to the try to get out the windows of the two story home. I shudder at the thought of trying to safely extract my three children and ourselves from a burning house.
Also our precious memories would be lost. Things can be replaced this is true but what about the hours that have been lovingly poured into scrapbooks and photo albums. Camera's and computers that hold moments and memories never to be relived. How do you pick up those pieces?
It is too late to think of plans and alternatives once the nightmare has already occurred. I think too often we live in the state of 'it happens to other people' ness. But here right before our eyes it is happening. A home that contains peoples lives and treasured possessions is being horrifically eaten away by flames. How do you rebuild from these moments? My heart is in pieces for the people who call this fireball a home. We know nothing about them but that does mean our compassion for them is any less.
An image that will forever be burnt in my memory, a sound stored in the banks of my mind.
Corey ran into the landlady of our house the following evening and found out that the house was occupied by a mother and her four children. They had been due to move out the following day. Bad timing at its worst! If there is anything to be thankful for in this situation it is that the children were staying the night with there father and therefore were not in the house when it caught ablaze. Our Landlady's husband is the Chief of fire crew here and he was able to field a crew of four - including himself. The local rural crew was able to manage two. How can this be enough?
Corey comes from a line of volunteer firemen and this speaks volumes to him. The saving of a rural community is the ability of its people to band together.
Where are the local firemen?
What can be done if enough men and women can't be found to stand in the gap for such a cause anymore?
This speaks to me of representation. Every man and woman in town isn't required to be on the crew but their has to be a reasonable number seen to stand for our little rural community. And this isn't happening.
So what can we do? Well it can start with us seeing a problem and taking what action we can. Corey is going to see how he is able to help - even around his busy work, family and church life. But isn't that what it is about? Everyone doing what they can to help. For me this mean being a wife who supports my husband in a role of wanting to look out for others and help where he can.
Its hard to explain what it sounded like. I lay there searching my memory bank for the sounds, clawing my way through my mind to as what it might be. Uh huh - I've got it. It reminds me of one time when I went clay bird shooting. Pop - the disc is whipped into the air, Kshhhh - the disc being shattered. But it sounds so close? Then again in the night air everything sounds as though there are no walls. But in the mid of night how could anyone see to be clay bird shooting?
Ok back to my brain for something more logical. Mine blasting? The sound could carry at night but I know the usually do this midday when there are road closures in place. About now I realise that the body lying beside me is awake. Corey jumps up to look out the window thinking the next door neighbour is being broken into. "Oh crap!" and he runs down the hall to the spare bedroom for a better look. What the!! So I jump up at yank up the blinds for a look. Oh I see....
Following along to the spare room we both stare out the windows in jaw gaping shock. The house behind us is being engulfed in flames. The noise we hear is the shattering of windows against the intense licking of flames. Bright orange flames are dancing through the night sky. Its raging against the still of the night.
I must get my camera.
Adrenaline takes over and I find myself draw to the flames like a moth to a light.
I can now see the fire crew with a hose struggling against the evil that has penetrated this defenseless house. A single jet of water spraying at the roof. A second fire truck arrives and with it TWO fire crew climb out.
Two. Men. That's. It.
Its clear that the house is a goner, being violently eaten away at by raging flames. But there is another point being so shockingly absorbed by my brain. Are our local fire crews so badly in need of help that a fire truck can be sent out with two men?
Its clear that the home is in no way salvageable but there is still a job to be done. Fire crew must work to dampen the flames and make the mangled home as safe as they possibly can. We hear the crew ask the men who are already there if everyone got out and too our relief a yes is returned. Corey and I stand shell shocked looking at this house which a few hours ago was a home.
Are we prepared for something like this to happen? We have one stairway which leads from the upstairs where the bedrooms are located in our house. We begin to talk. My worry is what if by the time we awoke the stairs were engulfed in flames? Our obvious escape is to the try to get out the windows of the two story home. I shudder at the thought of trying to safely extract my three children and ourselves from a burning house.
Also our precious memories would be lost. Things can be replaced this is true but what about the hours that have been lovingly poured into scrapbooks and photo albums. Camera's and computers that hold moments and memories never to be relived. How do you pick up those pieces?
It is too late to think of plans and alternatives once the nightmare has already occurred. I think too often we live in the state of 'it happens to other people' ness. But here right before our eyes it is happening. A home that contains peoples lives and treasured possessions is being horrifically eaten away by flames. How do you rebuild from these moments? My heart is in pieces for the people who call this fireball a home. We know nothing about them but that does mean our compassion for them is any less.
An image that will forever be burnt in my memory, a sound stored in the banks of my mind.
Corey ran into the landlady of our house the following evening and found out that the house was occupied by a mother and her four children. They had been due to move out the following day. Bad timing at its worst! If there is anything to be thankful for in this situation it is that the children were staying the night with there father and therefore were not in the house when it caught ablaze. Our Landlady's husband is the Chief of fire crew here and he was able to field a crew of four - including himself. The local rural crew was able to manage two. How can this be enough?
Corey comes from a line of volunteer firemen and this speaks volumes to him. The saving of a rural community is the ability of its people to band together.
Where are the local firemen?
What can be done if enough men and women can't be found to stand in the gap for such a cause anymore?
This speaks to me of representation. Every man and woman in town isn't required to be on the crew but their has to be a reasonable number seen to stand for our little rural community. And this isn't happening.
So what can we do? Well it can start with us seeing a problem and taking what action we can. Corey is going to see how he is able to help - even around his busy work, family and church life. But isn't that what it is about? Everyone doing what they can to help. For me this mean being a wife who supports my husband in a role of wanting to look out for others and help where he can.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Time out or goodbye?
I am taking some time out as things aren't so great right now and I just can't get in the right head space for blogging. So rather than it sitting here with no explanation this is just a little note to say I am still here but just can't be here (on blog) right now. I need to rethink the whole thing as I am getting far to worked up about the whole blog and what it should and shouldn't be. So for now I retreat and I'm not sure if this is a temporary or permanent thing but I hope to have more clarity on the issue soon.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Who Am I?
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| Sourced - http://missassist.wordpress.com/author/missassist/ |
I stalk you silently, awaiting my moment to slip in.
I am no discriminator of persons.
I may choose to slowly and methodically undo your life,
Or I may come armed; ready for a violent attack.
You may recognise me, you may not.
There is no telling how many times I may invade your private thoughts.
I see and hear everything you think and do.
I loudly offer my opinion.
I will lock you away, helping you hide from the outside world.
I will cause you panic and terror.
I can make you hear and see things others don't.
I can make you someone you never were.
 |
| Sourced - http://bellaxthree.wordpress.com/2011/08/12/who-am-i/ |
I can make you feel lost and useless,
Powerless and fragile,
Jumpy and shaky,
Sick to your stomach.
I have the ability to isolate you.
To numb you.
To shut you off from everyone you care about.
To make you feel nothing.
I will find our weakest point and attack.
I can make you eat, or I can make you refuse to.
I will find every once of self confidence you have and kick it in the guts.
I will make you a shadow of who you were.  |
| Sourced - http://justjacqui2.com/2011/12/23/notes-to-self-change-is-rarely-good-but-usually-necessary/ |
I can make you angry and filled with rage.
I can make you sad, lonely, terrified.
I can make you feel nothing.
Feeling and being nothing is my best weapon.
I am happy to destroy your life and everyone who is in it.
I will sit on your shoulder throughout every conversation.
Letting you know how they really feel about you.
I will help you see my truth.
I can make you cry, unstoppably.
I can make you laugh, insanely.
I can make you rock in a corner.
I can make you hurt yourself.
 |
| Sourced - http://wafatariq.wordpress.com/about/ |
I can make life too hard to bear.
I can help you find a better way.
I can take you to a place where no one will hurt you again.
I can help you feel.
I will teach you how to be critical and judgmental.
I will show you all the things you need to improve on.
I will hi-light your failures,
And remind you of your past.
 |
| Sourced - http://wonderingfair.com/2011/07/22/who-am-i/ |
Nothing you do can choose me.
I choose you.
It may be circumstance.
It may be genetic make up.
I am here to destroy your life.
To break you and everything you thought you loved.
I am on a mission of pain and hurt.
I will take you down.
I am the monkey on your back,
I am the black dog,
I am the uninvited guest,
I am the stalker in the shadows.
I am Depression.
 |
| Sourced - http://www.thisnext.com/item/7FF6186C/Ugly-Dolls-in-black |
If you have been lucky enough to have not met this dark predator you may not know what I am talking about. Although the statistics now say one in five people experience depression, many still do not talk about it. It is a rough journey that may be a once off, or for many lasts a life time; ebbing and flowing with the waves of life.
There is help and there is far more awareness than ever before about depression but it doesn't make it an easier to survive. Some people find there triggers and are able to stop themselves being fully launched back to the place they have been. Others return there many times.
Some people find help in medication, some in talking, some in writing, some in alternative therapy, some in God. Some people find that what worked last time may never work again and the search for peace is never ending.
I know this pain from personal experience and I know everybody has a different journey, a different path, a different story. No one will ever fully understand your pain and burden but there are people who will try. There are people who will listen when you need to talk. People who will cry for you when you are emotional shutdown. People who will sit and hold your hand when you can't say anything at all. People who will hold you in their thoughts and prayers when they feel powerless to know what to do.
So from my lemon day may some one find lemonade because at the moment all I can taste is bitter and sour. We all have our good days, and our bad. Sometimes there is just that evil mother father depression giving an extra helping hand.
Just know you aren't alone, something I have to remind myself of more often than I thought possible. Know that when there is no one there, God is always listening and He is pretty good at it.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Staring Down Memory Lane
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| Sourced from here |
my cheeks hurt from grinning,
and tears rolled down my face - from laughing too hard.
I remember dreaming about tomorrow,
What could be.
Excitement and anticipation.
Feeling life was truly a gift.
I remember socializing,
enjoying the company of others,
trying new things.
I remember singing,
dancing,
and listening to music,
Way too loud.
I remember living life,
and every opportunity it presented.
I was confident and happy with who I was.
Pushing myself into the unknown.
Chasing dreams.
I remember being fun,
having fun,
looking for fun,
and enjoying fun.
I remember someone I can't see any more.
When did I change?
Was it a slow morphing - noticeable to those looking on?
Or was it some Sudden, Abrupt, Transformation.
Where did the other me go?
Am I forever lost,
doomed to stare down memory lane.
Remembering someone that was?
Or is this just a part of growing up?
It hurts so much to remember a life so full,
so fun,
so satisfying.
So I try to push it down, far away from my mind.
The slap in the face.
The wake up call.
The chasing down of reality.
This is who I am now.
Joining in with Latte Junkie for Lyrical Sunday (even though its Tuesday....)
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
The constant nagging in my head
With only two day left until we set our feet on the plane - the snowball seems to be speeding up and beginning to feel like it is taking me with it. I have tried to be pretty cool about things over the last few months and weeks. Not really wanting to think too much about the next stage.
The finale.
The goodbyes.
With the next days now about fly past in record timing I am starting to feel it more. Something I'm not very good at dealing with.
After a very debilitating episode of Postal Natal depression after the birth of squeak I have been terrified of letting myself feel too much. It is the thing that is on my back, whispering in my ear "You could end up there again, feel the sadness taking over".
I try to put up a very brave and organised front as this is my coping mechanism. Yes I gave depression a good kick in the nads but the memory of it haunts and terrifies me. What if it happened again? What if I get so lost I can pull myself out next time. These are some of the thoughts that thrash around in my head; daily.
Its a scary place, depression. Something that pulls you down and sucks the life out of you. I don't even recognise the person I was while I was in the throws of its clutches.
It is almost like being caught in a rip in the ocean. Being pulled out at no choice of your own. The more you fight it, the more tired you get. But that's what we all do. We see the weakness in the crumbling of the person we know as us.
Depression sucked every single ounce of life out of me until there was nothing left to do but let go. I haven't talked about it much as it is an ugly scar I hide very well - although something I see everyday.
I have been to the point where I could see nothing left here in life and that is the hardest and most distressing place to be. I have never felt so numb and disconnected from the world around me. I felt like I had my knees broken with a baseball bat and was thrown into the ocean with my hands and feet bound in a small inflatable boat. I was alive but just, and impeding death was drawing closer. I was dehydrating emotionally, waiting for the sharks of anxiety and terror to eat me alive and getting to a point where I could see nothing beyond this horrid ocean hungrily wanting to engulf me.
I have been that person who smiles emptily at people she passes. My mind completely shut off to any social kind of interaction. I have cried until I thought I would flood my kitchen floor for nothing more than there being "that feeling". I have been to the point where there is no feeling left.
I have asked myself why I am here?
what difference do I make?
how would it matter if I was gone?
I know it was a extremely painful time for anyone close enough to see the changes. I was taken to a place I pray no one has to go, not because it was a terrible place but because when that happens it is your last option.
All of this leaves me where I am today. Afraid of feeling too much. In particular, afraid of letting myself be sad, scared, nervous, anxious, worried, alone. I may have been found by my rescue boat and brought back to life but the memory of it remains. I never want to feel that way again. I never want to be that shell of a person so unable to see life as a gift.
But I am beginning to wonder if I keep trying so hard to run away from it, am I completely ignorant to it happening again? How long can I choose to shut myself away for? How long can I function in this very social life we live, not feeling what other people feel? It has caused me heartache to know that I haven't been a very compassionate soul. I have harden myself to the curveballs of life. But it takes its toll. It is now beginning to show and I am terrified the well disguised clothes I wear may unravel. I have begun to notice physical signs that this isn't good for me.
Headaches,
Being so wound up about things I can't stop even the little things going around and around in my head.
Harsh words towards people that I would never dream of,
The craving for nothingness, something that will help me escape (I choose not to be a drunk or substance abuser but I could be if I gave in).
The staring into space, so consumed by fighting me and my head,
The anxiety, that gets my stomach flipping, head spinning, mind racing, hands sweating.
The boiling inside that feel like it could explode any moment,
The weariness,
The need to control what is going on around me and make the decisions.
How can these kinds of things be healthy? But to me I am keeping that monster away from my life. The uninvited guest as I have described it before in a post. I am just so scared of being overthrown again but am I inadvertently allowing it by running away from the fear so fast?
I am scared to feel the sadness in goodbyes to friends and family. I have avoided most of this by knowing I haven't been actually leaving the country yet when I have said goodbyes so far.
I have left an amazing bunch of friends in New Plymouth, amazing ladies who have let me into their lives when I have held them at such an arms length. I said goodbye fooling myself into thinking I would see them again before I actually left. But here I am two days out and feeling the pain now of unfinished business.
I said goodbye to my Dad as if he was leaving after coffee at my house on his way back to work, bound to call in within a few days. I reflected the conversation away from goodbye to other relevant life issues right now - the fact that we can't get a phone line ( I know lame huh!)
I walked out of my church the last Sunday hugging a few people but not allowing myself to find the people that matter most and say proper goodbyes. Of course I blamed them and there lack of finding me before we left.
And now the plan in my head is being made for how I say goodbye to my Grandparents. I don't want to think about the fact that I may miss the final years they have. The guilt that would follow me leaving and not seeing them for awhile and something happening is too big to comprehend - so I don't. I push those thoughts so far away, but it still simmers silently in the background.
Mum and Mo are coming with me to help us settle in for a week and I am thanking God that Mo hates goodbyes as much as I do. I know that I can get away with a see ya, a smile, a wave down the drive as they head back to the train, home to New Zealand. But can I live with that being my closure?
How long can I run from the things that scare me? How healthy is it to live a life of avoidance? I am so busy running away from the 'what could bes' to notice that I am missing so much of living in the 'nows'.
So I need some help.
Help to dig deep and see that depression didn't kill me, even if it tried its best. Still it makes me shudder to think about it but I can't keep tiring myself, and those around me, by being so threatened by something that may or may not be. I need to live a life that lets me feel sadness and pain as without it how can I measure my happiness and love?
The finale.
The goodbyes.
With the next days now about fly past in record timing I am starting to feel it more. Something I'm not very good at dealing with.
After a very debilitating episode of Postal Natal depression after the birth of squeak I have been terrified of letting myself feel too much. It is the thing that is on my back, whispering in my ear "You could end up there again, feel the sadness taking over".
I try to put up a very brave and organised front as this is my coping mechanism. Yes I gave depression a good kick in the nads but the memory of it haunts and terrifies me. What if it happened again? What if I get so lost I can pull myself out next time. These are some of the thoughts that thrash around in my head; daily.
Its a scary place, depression. Something that pulls you down and sucks the life out of you. I don't even recognise the person I was while I was in the throws of its clutches.
It is almost like being caught in a rip in the ocean. Being pulled out at no choice of your own. The more you fight it, the more tired you get. But that's what we all do. We see the weakness in the crumbling of the person we know as us.
Depression sucked every single ounce of life out of me until there was nothing left to do but let go. I haven't talked about it much as it is an ugly scar I hide very well - although something I see everyday.
I have been to the point where I could see nothing left here in life and that is the hardest and most distressing place to be. I have never felt so numb and disconnected from the world around me. I felt like I had my knees broken with a baseball bat and was thrown into the ocean with my hands and feet bound in a small inflatable boat. I was alive but just, and impeding death was drawing closer. I was dehydrating emotionally, waiting for the sharks of anxiety and terror to eat me alive and getting to a point where I could see nothing beyond this horrid ocean hungrily wanting to engulf me.
I have been that person who smiles emptily at people she passes. My mind completely shut off to any social kind of interaction. I have cried until I thought I would flood my kitchen floor for nothing more than there being "that feeling". I have been to the point where there is no feeling left.
I have asked myself why I am here?
what difference do I make?
how would it matter if I was gone?
I know it was a extremely painful time for anyone close enough to see the changes. I was taken to a place I pray no one has to go, not because it was a terrible place but because when that happens it is your last option.
All of this leaves me where I am today. Afraid of feeling too much. In particular, afraid of letting myself be sad, scared, nervous, anxious, worried, alone. I may have been found by my rescue boat and brought back to life but the memory of it remains. I never want to feel that way again. I never want to be that shell of a person so unable to see life as a gift.
But I am beginning to wonder if I keep trying so hard to run away from it, am I completely ignorant to it happening again? How long can I choose to shut myself away for? How long can I function in this very social life we live, not feeling what other people feel? It has caused me heartache to know that I haven't been a very compassionate soul. I have harden myself to the curveballs of life. But it takes its toll. It is now beginning to show and I am terrified the well disguised clothes I wear may unravel. I have begun to notice physical signs that this isn't good for me.
Headaches,
Being so wound up about things I can't stop even the little things going around and around in my head.
Harsh words towards people that I would never dream of,
The craving for nothingness, something that will help me escape (I choose not to be a drunk or substance abuser but I could be if I gave in).
The staring into space, so consumed by fighting me and my head,
The anxiety, that gets my stomach flipping, head spinning, mind racing, hands sweating.
The boiling inside that feel like it could explode any moment,
The weariness,
The need to control what is going on around me and make the decisions.
How can these kinds of things be healthy? But to me I am keeping that monster away from my life. The uninvited guest as I have described it before in a post. I am just so scared of being overthrown again but am I inadvertently allowing it by running away from the fear so fast?
I am scared to feel the sadness in goodbyes to friends and family. I have avoided most of this by knowing I haven't been actually leaving the country yet when I have said goodbyes so far.
I have left an amazing bunch of friends in New Plymouth, amazing ladies who have let me into their lives when I have held them at such an arms length. I said goodbye fooling myself into thinking I would see them again before I actually left. But here I am two days out and feeling the pain now of unfinished business.
I said goodbye to my Dad as if he was leaving after coffee at my house on his way back to work, bound to call in within a few days. I reflected the conversation away from goodbye to other relevant life issues right now - the fact that we can't get a phone line ( I know lame huh!)
I walked out of my church the last Sunday hugging a few people but not allowing myself to find the people that matter most and say proper goodbyes. Of course I blamed them and there lack of finding me before we left.
And now the plan in my head is being made for how I say goodbye to my Grandparents. I don't want to think about the fact that I may miss the final years they have. The guilt that would follow me leaving and not seeing them for awhile and something happening is too big to comprehend - so I don't. I push those thoughts so far away, but it still simmers silently in the background.
Mum and Mo are coming with me to help us settle in for a week and I am thanking God that Mo hates goodbyes as much as I do. I know that I can get away with a see ya, a smile, a wave down the drive as they head back to the train, home to New Zealand. But can I live with that being my closure?
How long can I run from the things that scare me? How healthy is it to live a life of avoidance? I am so busy running away from the 'what could bes' to notice that I am missing so much of living in the 'nows'.
So I need some help.
Help to dig deep and see that depression didn't kill me, even if it tried its best. Still it makes me shudder to think about it but I can't keep tiring myself, and those around me, by being so threatened by something that may or may not be. I need to live a life that lets me feel sadness and pain as without it how can I measure my happiness and love?
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Stuff be gone
So after the children left NP we had one day to prepare ourselves for the departure of our personal affects. For Bubba this meant endless scrubbing and preparing of all his tools. As he works as a mechanic his tools are the lifeblood of his trade. As the packers were coming Tuesday this meant that he had a week of work tool-less - Hmmm is a mechanic without tools still a mechanic? (thinking if a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear does it still make a sound?)
For me this meant making sure everything that I needed and wanted in our new life had to be crammed into a room so we weren't aimlessly throwing items at random at the packing man.(Yes I have found plenty now that the house is empty that was meant to be in those boxes...)
I'm not sure how much sleep was achieved on the Monday night but by the face looking back in the mirror Tuesday morning I think not that much. I know I tossed and turned worry about whether we had more stuff then the quote, was everything there that need to be packed, was there too much that wasn't really necessary? All this rolled around and around in my brain, jumbling itself up and spitting out some weird thoughts.
This bird flew inside Tuesday morning and I could see the parallels of my life with its. I thought it summed up exactly how I felt about life right now. Looking out at the world, unsure of how to get where I was heading, and crapping myself thinking about the process.
This was a major day in the beginning of our new life. Truck and man arrived to take our belongings away to a new land. The lucky country - so we have been told it is called.
The packer came in and made some cheap jokes to try and relax the situation, as anyone could see I was wound as tight as a spring today. I nervously laughed at his jokes, the whole time thinking I hope this clown knows what he is doing. (When his colleagues arrived and called him Weeman all I could think was I knew you were from Jackass.)
Everything he does or doesn't do will be the results of whether our things arrive in one piece or whether it will get there and need to all be gone through as he wasn't thorough enough to inform us about what will be checked at arrival port.
My brain was throwing me through scenario after scenario. So I sat staring at the wall unsure of what to do feeling like I didn't know where to start next. This went on for about 2 hours being pulled out of my trance when the phone would ring or Squeak come for a babble. I now see it is a control and trust issue. I didn't have control over what was where or how it was done and I didn't trust anyone to do things the way I would.
Then it was done. We had to sign the paperwork to say it was all packed and now in the hands on the storage and shipping agents.
For me this meant making sure everything that I needed and wanted in our new life had to be crammed into a room so we weren't aimlessly throwing items at random at the packing man.(Yes I have found plenty now that the house is empty that was meant to be in those boxes...)
I'm not sure how much sleep was achieved on the Monday night but by the face looking back in the mirror Tuesday morning I think not that much. I know I tossed and turned worry about whether we had more stuff then the quote, was everything there that need to be packed, was there too much that wasn't really necessary? All this rolled around and around in my brain, jumbling itself up and spitting out some weird thoughts.
This bird flew inside Tuesday morning and I could see the parallels of my life with its. I thought it summed up exactly how I felt about life right now. Looking out at the world, unsure of how to get where I was heading, and crapping myself thinking about the process.
This was a major day in the beginning of our new life. Truck and man arrived to take our belongings away to a new land. The lucky country - so we have been told it is called.
The packer came in and made some cheap jokes to try and relax the situation, as anyone could see I was wound as tight as a spring today. I nervously laughed at his jokes, the whole time thinking I hope this clown knows what he is doing. (When his colleagues arrived and called him Weeman all I could think was I knew you were from Jackass.)
Everything he does or doesn't do will be the results of whether our things arrive in one piece or whether it will get there and need to all be gone through as he wasn't thorough enough to inform us about what will be checked at arrival port.
My brain was throwing me through scenario after scenario. So I sat staring at the wall unsure of what to do feeling like I didn't know where to start next. This went on for about 2 hours being pulled out of my trance when the phone would ring or Squeak come for a babble. I now see it is a control and trust issue. I didn't have control over what was where or how it was done and I didn't trust anyone to do things the way I would.
Then it was done. We had to sign the paperwork to say it was all packed and now in the hands on the storage and shipping agents.
Stuff be gone, we will see you on the other side of this adventure.
Hopefully you will be in one piece and won't cost us any unplanned for costs.
You will be clean enough and safe enough for the inspector standards.
Be good and stick together.
You might need to look after the little teaspoons, they might get scared or seasick.
Dolly's be kind to one another, no fighting.
Books find a good read and settle in, it will be a while.
Goodbye precious things and remember we loved you enough to take you with us.
See you sometime next year things.
(My head spinning and my control being dragged away from my white knuckled fingers as the truck drives away.)
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Goodbyes. Lots of Goodbyes. From the Kiddo's
The Friday 4th November was the last day of kindergarten and school in New Plymouth for Jaybug and Quack.
Things have happened so suddenly with the decision to pack and move, but I must say I am surprised at the children's ability to say goodbye like they were heading back again on Monday.
I suck, completely, at goodbyes. There is something missing from me. I'm not sure whether I lack an emotional gene or if I avoid emotion subconsciously. I keep telling myself that I'm not the one leaving yet, there is still plenty of time, hence never actually saying a final goodbye to friends, family and acquaintances. I didn't even go and say goodbye to our neighbours, of three years, who are completely lovely and friendly and have amazing children (ten of them) who have been very good friends to my munchkins. I just hopped in my car, closed the gate and drove away - is there something wrong with me?....
So in an attempt to feel I have tried to capture some moments for the children to look back on, as I avoid my own memories.
Things have happened so suddenly with the decision to pack and move, but I must say I am surprised at the children's ability to say goodbye like they were heading back again on Monday.
I suck, completely, at goodbyes. There is something missing from me. I'm not sure whether I lack an emotional gene or if I avoid emotion subconsciously. I keep telling myself that I'm not the one leaving yet, there is still plenty of time, hence never actually saying a final goodbye to friends, family and acquaintances. I didn't even go and say goodbye to our neighbours, of three years, who are completely lovely and friendly and have amazing children (ten of them) who have been very good friends to my munchkins. I just hopped in my car, closed the gate and drove away - is there something wrong with me?....
So in an attempt to feel I have tried to capture some moments for the children to look back on, as I avoid my own memories.
Jaybug's last day at Kindy
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| I love this action shot! |
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| During mat time goodbyes Squeak hide in a dolls house (maybe my avoidance has been passed on?) |
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| This is where we are |
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| This is where Jaybug is moving to |
Quack's farewells at school
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| Quack getting his hockey certificates from Dad/coach |
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| Yes that's PJ's at school... |
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| Principals award on his last day at school - I was so proud. |
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| Classic home baking (ahem) |
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| Quacks amazing room 3 |
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| He was sat up there so everyone could say nice things about him - very sweet |
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| Teacher had a tear in her eye :( |
Farewell Pool Party 5th November
We thought it was important for the kiddo's to be able to feel a sense of closure and goodbye with their friends. So we decided to throw a party at the pools where we wouldn't be limited to numbers and families could come together. It was a fabulous afternoon enjoyed by all. It was adorable and heartbreaking to see some very warm wishes and goodbye from good friends and parents.
Kiddo 1 & kiddo 2 leave NP 6th November
Bubba and I decided that we would send the 2 older children to Nana and Pops, in Ruawai Northland, a week before we were due to move out. This was to help them settle and also so I could get into proper dismantling. Quack and Jaybug adore being with family and its no trouble to pack them up and ship them off - even with everything going on. Nana also took a trailer load of goods to help make a dent in what we had to sell, give away, throw away or keep.
It was an emotional time for all.
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| Yes that's a nice face for the camera - charming. |
Squeak had to farewell his bug brother and sister as he got mad that he wasn't going in Nana's car too. It took awhile to pull him kicking and screaming from the car.
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| Determined he was going too. |
Poppa was saying his goodbyes as he lives in New Plymouth. He will see them again at Christmas but its not the same a the couple of times he may call in during the week.
And hard goodbyes from Daddy. Next time he saw them would be for a day before he flew on the plane to begin our new adventure.
Bubba is going before us to Australia to set up life. We are all apart for eight weeks. He is staying with our dear friends who uplifted their lives and family at the beginning of the year. So hopefully we have some inside information and help on what we are doing..... maybe?
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