Help....

I feel trapped inside something I can't even beginning to explain.
It's hot and it's cold.
It's too fast and its mind numbingly slow.
It's painful but I feel so numb.

I feel the world withdrawing or is it me?
I am trying my best but my best isn't what it used to be.
Everyone is busy rushing around.
Rushing around makes me feel worse.

I try and cover up how I am feeling but then you say I am doing fine.
I appear to cope so well.
You don't know me.

I cry because the pain is unbearable.
I cry because I have lost sense of who I am.
I cry because I feel void and empty.
I cry because I feel alone in this.

But then I can't cry anymore because it all feels pointless and stupid.
Everything feels vain and empty.
The only thing running through my head is a big fat 'LIFE IS MEANINGLESS'

How can my life be to get up and just make it through another day of pain and agony.
To do enough that other people think everything is okay.
To cope enough.
What the hell is enough???

Right now I just need something and I don't know what.

Yes I know everyone has a lot to deal with.
I know people are coping with their own lot in life.
I know people are enjoying their happiness and their sorrow.
Don't take this the wrong way.
This is in no way directed at anyone.
This is my venting space.
This is the one thing that may keep me focused for today.

Time out or goodbye?

I am taking some time out as things aren't so great right now and I just can't get in the right head space for blogging. So rather than it sitting here with no explanation this is just a little note to say I am still here but just can't be here (on blog) right now. I need to rethink the whole thing as I am getting far to worked up about the whole blog and what it should and shouldn't be. So for now I retreat and I'm not sure if this is a temporary or permanent thing but I hope to have more clarity on the issue soon.

Who Am I?

Sourced - http://missassist.wordpress.com/author/missassist/

I stalk you silently, awaiting my moment to slip in.

I am no discriminator of persons.

I may choose to slowly and methodically undo your life,

Or I may come armed; ready for a violent attack.

You may recognise me, you may not.

There is no telling how many times I may invade your private thoughts.

I see and hear everything you think and do.

I loudly offer my opinion.

I will lock you away, helping you hide from the outside world.

I will cause you panic and terror.

I can make you hear and see things others don't.

I can make you someone you never were.

Sourced - http://bellaxthree.wordpress.com/2011/08/12/who-am-i/

I can make you feel lost and useless,

Powerless and fragile,

Jumpy and shaky,

Sick to your stomach.

I have the ability to isolate you.

To numb you.

To shut you off from everyone you care about.

To make you feel nothing.

I will find our weakest point and attack.

I can make you eat, or I can make you refuse to.

I will find every once of self confidence you have and kick it in the guts.

I will make you a shadow of who you were.

Sourced - http://justjacqui2.com/2011/12/23/notes-to-self-change-is-rarely-good-but-usually-necessary/

I can make you angry and filled with rage.

I can make you sad, lonely, terrified.

I can make you feel nothing.

Feeling and being nothing is my best weapon.

I am happy to destroy your life and everyone who is in it.

I will sit on your shoulder throughout every conversation.

Letting you know how they really feel about you.

I will help you see my truth.

I can make you cry, unstoppably.

I can make you laugh, insanely.

I can make you rock in a corner.

I can make you hurt yourself.

Sourced - http://wafatariq.wordpress.com/about/

I can make life too hard to bear.

I can help you find a better way.

I can take you to a place where no one will hurt you again.

I can help you feel.

I will teach you how to be critical and judgmental.

I will show you all the things you need to improve on.

I will hi-light your failures,

And remind you of your past.

Sourced - http://wonderingfair.com/2011/07/22/who-am-i/

Nothing you do can choose me.

I choose you.

It may be circumstance.

It may be genetic make up.

I am here to destroy your life.

To break you and everything you thought you loved.

I am on a mission of pain and hurt.

I will take you down.

I am the monkey on your back,

I am the black dog,

I am the uninvited guest,

I am the stalker in the shadows.

I am Depression.

Sourced - http://www.thisnext.com/item/7FF6186C/Ugly-Dolls-in-black

If you have been lucky enough to have not met this dark predator you may not know what I am talking about. Although the statistics now say one in five people experience depression, many still do not talk about it. It is a rough journey that may be a once off, or for many lasts a life time; ebbing and flowing with the waves of life.

There is help and there is far more awareness than ever before about depression but it doesn't make it an easier to survive. Some people find there triggers and are able to stop themselves being fully launched back to the place they have been. Others return there many times.

Some people find help in medication, some in talking, some in writing, some in alternative therapy, some in God. Some people find that what worked last time may never work again and the search for peace is never ending.

I know this pain from personal experience and I know everybody has a different journey, a different path, a different story. No one will ever fully understand your pain and burden but there are people who will try. There are people who will listen when you need to talk. People who will cry for you when you are emotional shutdown. People who will sit and hold your hand when you can't say anything at all. People who will hold you in their thoughts and prayers when they feel powerless to know what to do.

So from my lemon day may some one find lemonade because at the moment all I can taste is bitter and sour. We all have our good days, and our bad. Sometimes there is just that evil mother father depression giving an extra helping hand.

Just know you aren't alone, something I have to remind myself of more often than I thought possible. Know that when there is no one there, God is always listening and He is pretty good at it.

Staring Down Memory Lane

Sourced from here

I remember when my eyes used to sparkle,
my cheeks hurt from grinning,
and tears rolled down my face - from laughing too hard.

I remember dreaming about tomorrow,
What could be.
Excitement and anticipation.
Feeling life was truly a gift.

I remember socializing,
enjoying the company of others,
trying new things.

I remember singing,
dancing,
and listening to music,
Way too loud.

I remember living life,
and every opportunity it presented.
I was confident and happy with who I was.
Pushing myself into the unknown.
Chasing dreams.

I remember being fun,
having fun,
looking for fun,
and enjoying fun.

I remember someone I can't see any more.
When did I change?

Was it a slow morphing - noticeable to those looking on?
Or was it some Sudden, Abrupt, Transformation.
Where did the other me go?

Am I forever lost,
doomed to stare down memory lane.
Remembering someone that was?

Or is this just a part of growing up?

It hurts so much to remember a life so full,
so fun,
so satisfying.
So I try to push it down, far away from my mind.

The slap in the face.
The wake up call.
The chasing down of reality.
This is who I am now.

 Joining in with Latte Junkie for Lyrical Sunday (even though its Tuesday....)

The constant nagging in my head

With only two day left until we set our feet on the plane - the snowball seems to be speeding up and beginning to feel like it is taking me with it. I have tried to be pretty cool about things over the last few months and weeks. Not really wanting to think too much about the next stage.
The finale.
The goodbyes.
With the next days now about fly past in record timing I am starting to feel it more. Something I'm not very good at dealing with.

After a very debilitating episode of Postal Natal depression after the birth of squeak I have been terrified of letting myself feel too much. It is the thing that is on my back, whispering in my ear "You could end up there again, feel the sadness taking over".

I try to put up a very brave and organised front as this is my coping mechanism. Yes I gave depression a good kick in the nads but the memory of it haunts and terrifies me. What if it happened again? What if I get so lost I can pull myself out next time. These are some of the thoughts that thrash around in my head; daily.
Its a scary place, depression. Something that pulls you down and sucks the life out of you. I don't even recognise the person I was while I was in the throws of its clutches.

It is almost like being caught in a rip in the ocean. Being pulled out at no choice of your own. The more you fight it, the more tired you get. But that's what we all do. We see the weakness in the crumbling of the person we know as us.
Depression sucked every single ounce of life out of me until there was nothing left to do but let go. I haven't talked about it much as it is an ugly scar I hide very well - although something I see everyday.
I have been to the point where I could see nothing left here in life and that is the hardest and most distressing place to be. I have never felt so numb and disconnected from the world around me. I felt like I had my knees broken with a baseball bat and was thrown into the ocean with my hands and feet bound in a small inflatable boat. I was alive but just, and impeding death was drawing closer. I was dehydrating emotionally, waiting for the sharks of anxiety and terror to eat me alive and getting to a point where I could see nothing beyond this horrid ocean hungrily wanting to engulf me.

I have been that person who smiles emptily at people she passes. My mind completely shut off to any social kind of interaction. I have cried until I thought I would flood my kitchen floor for nothing more than there being "that feeling". I have been to the point where there is no feeling left.
I have asked myself why I am here?
what difference do I make?
how would it matter if I was gone?

I know it was a extremely painful time for anyone close enough to see the changes. I was taken to a place I pray no one has to go, not because it was a terrible place but because when that happens it is your last option.

All of this leaves me where I am today. Afraid of feeling too much. In particular, afraid of letting myself be sad, scared, nervous, anxious, worried, alone. I may have been found by my rescue boat and brought back to life but the memory of it remains. I never want to feel that way again. I never want to be that shell of a person so unable to see life as a gift.

But I am beginning to wonder if I keep trying so hard to run away from it, am I completely ignorant to it happening again? How long can I choose to shut myself away for? How long can I function in this very social life we live, not feeling what other people feel? It has caused me heartache to know that I haven't been a very compassionate soul. I have harden myself to the curveballs of life. But it takes its toll. It is now beginning to show and I am terrified the well disguised clothes I wear may unravel. I have begun to notice physical signs that this isn't good for me.

Headaches,
Being so wound up about things I can't stop even the little things going around and around in my head.
Harsh words towards people that I would never dream of,
The craving for nothingness, something that will help me escape (I choose not to be a drunk or substance abuser but I could be if I gave in).
The staring into space, so consumed by fighting me and my head,
The anxiety, that gets my stomach flipping, head spinning, mind racing, hands sweating.
The boiling inside that feel like it could explode any moment,
The weariness,
The need to control what is going on around me and make the decisions.


How can these kinds of things be healthy? But to me I am keeping that monster away from my life. The uninvited guest as I have described it before in a post. I am just so scared of being overthrown again but am I inadvertently allowing it by running away from the fear so fast?

I am scared to feel the sadness in goodbyes to friends and family. I have avoided most of this by knowing I haven't been actually leaving the country yet when I have said goodbyes so far.
I have left an amazing bunch of friends in New Plymouth, amazing ladies who have let me into their lives when I have held them at such an arms length. I said goodbye fooling myself into thinking I would see them again before I actually left. But here I am two days out and feeling the pain now of unfinished business.
I said goodbye to my Dad as if he was leaving after coffee at my house on his way back to work, bound to call in within a few days. I reflected the conversation away from goodbye to other relevant life issues right now - the fact that we can't get a phone line ( I know lame huh!)
I walked out of my church the last Sunday hugging a few people but not allowing myself to find the people that matter most and say proper goodbyes. Of course I blamed them and there lack of finding me before we left.

And now the plan in my head is being made for how I say goodbye to my Grandparents. I don't want to think about the fact that I may miss the final years they have. The guilt that would follow me leaving and not seeing them for awhile and something happening is too big to comprehend - so I don't. I push those thoughts so far away, but it still simmers silently in the background.
Mum and Mo are coming with me to help us settle in for a week and I am thanking God that Mo hates goodbyes as much as I do. I know that I can get away with a see ya, a smile, a wave down the drive as they head back to the train, home to New Zealand. But can I live with that being my closure?

How long can I run from the things that scare me? How healthy is it to live a life of avoidance? I am so busy running away from the 'what could bes' to notice that I am missing so much of living in the 'nows'.
So I need some help.
Help to dig deep and see that depression didn't kill me, even if it tried its best. Still it makes me shudder to think about it but I can't keep tiring myself, and those around me, by being so threatened by something that may or may not be. I need to live a life that lets me feel sadness and pain as without it how can I measure my happiness and love?