Processing Me

Today I don't feel like doing anything. I just want to lay in my bed - if only these were the words from a pop song titled the Lazy song. It describes my life down to a tee right now.

There is so much going on in my head. I am slowly chipping away at all the information I am finding about Fibromyalgia. I am trying to come to terms with a "label" and find how it can help me.

I have found some really good support groups on Facebook:
Fibromyalgia Support Australia
Fibromyalgia Network {which is a world wide support network}
Hunter Region Fibromyalgia Support Network {NSW Australia}
Hunter Fibromyalgia Support Group {A closed group so that what you share here isn't shared with the rest of your facebook network. Giving you some privacy}

 These networks have proved invaluable over the last few days.  It has given me a place to ask questions, to vent, to listen, to provide others with support and mostly to not feel alone. The biggest thing in the last twelve months is I have felt like I have suffered with a silent and invisible illness. At times I have felt like I am losing my mind because the doctors couldn't find anything on tests, yet I just could not get better. I tried to get over it, I tried to get out more, to be happier, to run at life BUT all I got was sicker. I got good at hiding it from everyone but slowly I have disappeared more and more.

I know I have a great bunch of friends and family who are ever understanding and willing to help but it is hard to "get" what is going on. I'm sure there are days when they have all thought can't she just get over it and get on with it already! I myself have been one of those people thinking it. Unless you see the daily ups and downs of this disease and the how it smashes you around it really is hard to understand. I am good at putting on a brave face when I have to leave the comfort of my fort {our house} but within these four walls lately I have built a place where I fall apart and crumble. A place where I am no longer strong and the one with the answers. A place where I don't know who I am??

It is a relief to discover other people going through similar circumstances. There is nothing like reading someone else's story and thinking 'that is me' and suddenly not feeling so alien. Or hearing someone else share their story of hardship and thinking 'you know what? Today I had a pretty good day, I should be thankful.' It really helps to put things in perspective. [Which is something I haven't had a lot of lately.]

I have realised lately I have become really selfish and self centred  and I really dislike it a lot. It usually isn't until I leave somewhere and realise that I didn't help clean up, or I didn't do anything but talk about myself. I miss out on finding out how my friends are because I am so centred on me. I really really DISLIKE it. I do it with my friends, my kids and my husband..... I was not this person! Where have I gone??

I have also found great resources which validate all the things I am feeling and symptoms I have. Like this Ridiculously Long List of Fibro Symptoms - Take a look it might give you some idea about the "invisible and unrecognised" disease I now have the pleasure of knowing.

So for today - Today I swear I'm not doing anything, nothing at all.....

Frustrated - Not the normal hearts and flowers post

• I am frustrated at the medical profession and their lack of empathy.
• I am frustrated at the heat.
• I am frustrated that I can't explain to anyone what I am going through.
• I am frustrated that I am unable to keep my house the way I like it to be.
• I am frustrated that all the tests come back "normal" when the quality of my life is anything but.
• I am frustrated that I can't just up and run away.
• I am frustrated that family is so far away.
• I am frustrated with the flies and not being able to use a Robo-can this year.
• I am frustrated with the cost of medications that seem to be a band-aid to problems not addressing why the symptoms are there.
• I am frustrated I am losing touch with my children.
• I am frustrated that I am changing.
• I am frustrated that people choose not to see or help.
• I am frustrated that the smallest task leaves me incredibly tired and fatigued.
• I am frustrated that I am trying and yet it seems worthless at this time.
• I am frustrated that I can't fix it, just get over it or suck it up {all of which I was good at}.
• I am frustrated we live so far from services and the toll it take to get places, physically and financially.
• I am frustrated enough I have to get this out, instead of keeping it to myself, which I have been doing and making no sense of things.
• I am frustrated that my body doesn't feel like it listens to me anymore.
• I am frustrated at all this illness {even though no one can or will name it} has taken from me.
• I am frustrated and scared and struggling my way through this.

I know this is usually the place where you might find the beauty and sparkles of everyday life. But my reality lately is all of the above. I haven't known how to approach it and haven't known how to write without mixing the two worlds. The truth is I need somewhere to write and get these things off my chest and if you choose not to accept this part of MY blog. Please just kindly skip this post and look next to time to check if there are rainbows and butterflies again.

Somehow life does go on in the midst of our darkness and we have to try and make sense of it before it drives us crazy. We don't have the support networks and help we could have if we lived in NZ, but the reality is we couldn't afford to live there with three young children. We are doing what we can to get on our feet here in Australia and unfortunately money does play a role in all of that.

The roads that we are heading down for help for my health is extremely costly for one. We are also blessed to have found a G.P who is doing all he can to point us in the right path for help - but he is only one man. We need more help than just him.

For now I have one word and that is frustrated. It covers so much of what I am feeling and thinking. If you don't like it, that is fine, you don't have to. I am the one who lives with the reality of this everyday and if I want to be frustrated by it, I think I have earned the right.

Today

Today I struggle with the never ending cycle of MCS {Multiple Chemical Sensitivity}.

Today I feel like an unadequate mother, unable to drag myself from the couch.

Today I wonder what a life without MCS would feel like.

Today my head thumps like a constant drum.

Today my brain refuses to function to its normal capacity.

Today I feel like I am wrapped in a fog.

Today I wonder whether a normal life is possible again.

Today I think of all that has changed lately.

Today I don't know who this person inside my shell is.

Today I am grumpy and on edge.

Today I am so tired it is an effort to breathe.

Today I know I am someone different to twelve months ago.

Today I wonder if I will push anyone else away.

Today I wish I had the words to explain.

Today I know there will be a tomorrow,

And there is hope tomorrow is better than today.

I know MCS had changed who I am, how I think, speak, act and react, and operate.

There are things I have done and said that are a complete breakdown of brain function at times.

I am grateful for friends and family who have seen the effects of this and have stuck by with understanding and compassion.

The way I would graphically try to explain MCS

I don't mind if you get a little green eyed

So it's been awhile and lots has happened. We have had parents times two visit, school holidays, my cousin from Perth, and weeks of continuing to follow the 12wbt plan. Lately I've had a few run-ins with my good friend MCS and have suffered migraines, tiredness, new medications, and mood swings, thanks MCS for being so darn awesome...

But there have also been a few BIG milestones in the last week.

Bubba and I celebrated our six year wedding anniversary last Sunday. A few years ago the diamond fell out of my engagement ring and we have always talked about replacing it but haven't gotten around to it. But recently I had an epiphany that engagement rings don't have to equally diamonds. I have a few friends with some pretty awesome engagement rings with out being the perceived regular diamond ring.
So I told Bubba of this revelation and the way I felt emeralds caught my personality a little more than the diamond I had tried to fit. And tada what would appear but this

As I started to blog a few weeks ago I have been following the Michelle Bridges 12WBT and although I have had a crazy few week, hmmm like 6 weeks to be exact, I have contined to follow the program. It's been a slower path than I expected in the start but I now see the reality is hard work and slow progress for sustainability. But I can proud say I've lost just over 5kg since I started! I'm warning you to look away now if your not game to see underwear shots but this is the reality of my journey. Nine weeks of working my butt off has not made me look like a supermodel and I doubt that another nine years would!

Even more exciting is finally fitting this dress that I was given. It was inches too small in the waist area and far beyond doing up when I was given it in July this year. But this morning it is zipped! 

I would still get some breathing comfort from another few inches so this is my next goal...

 

I have also found the inspiration to finally get my craft makings out to the world. I have finally found a name and I am working on a design at the moment. So watch this space for the launch of my online selling presence!

Week 3 - 12 week body transformation

Week three is here which means I am 1/4 of the way through this twelve week commitment. I think I am getting to the stage where I am having to push myself a little harder. Old habits start to creep in but I am determined to pick myself up again when I fall. (NZ Toffee pops you are so good but I think our love affair has to end!)

We had a friends party on the weekend and I am waiting to see the results tomorrow. I now see once you have got your eating to a healthy place how much it hurts, even just that one day, to relax too much. I also know that I own all the choices I made on Saturday and it is a very valuable lesson to have learned this early on. Basically for my health and energy levels it just isn't worth even that one day off. Other people may find that they can and have no effect but for me I think my body needs this lifestyle, to be whole and heal as part of the Multiple Chemical Sensitivity journey.

I have really struggled with tiredness these last few mornings so I am reminded at the end of my workout to give myself a pat on the back. I know that some days I just have to get up as soon as the alarm goes to not give my body or brain time to realise what is going on. I know that I can push through this and I am choosing health and fitness over tiredness and slump.

I am still totally loving the food. This week includes lasagne and pizza. Two of my favourite foods! I am excited to see how to make a smarter choice but still enjoy family favourites. Lasagne last night was a HUGE hit with Quack declaring it his new all time favourite this morning. The leftovers are happily at work in Bubbas cooler bag - so can't be too bad folks!
We have found with a with minor tweeks here and there that the whole family is eating, and for the most part, enjoying the evening meals. Weekend breakfasts have been a hit in our house too with all the favourites in a lighter and/or more enjoyable way.

I do see this as a lifestyle change. Michelle is teaching me tools for life. Whether it be her workout prescriptions, nutritional plans or her mindset teachings. I feel better in myself and empowered to know I am making small changes that are sustainable in the long term. I'm not cutting our food groups or training eight hours a day. This is able to work for my life and my family and I think most people would find it is easier than you realise.

The number one point is YOU have to be ready and want this. If you're not you will find a million excuses throughout the twelve weeks to not eat right and not exercise. I still stumble and trip but the main thing is I am determined to not stay down but to get up again. Found this on pintrest this morning and it will be my mantra for this week.

 

So after an extremely hard week in life, fitness, health and friendships I will get up again and I will carry on. WWW here I come and whatever number you show me I will own it and I will get on with it. Moving towards my goal is one step at a time.

The Farm

A few weeks ago we left our five bedroom, 3 bathroom, study and two living spaces to move to a 3 bedroom house.
Why? Because:

1. The landlords put the house on the market without us being notified until months later when first we saw it advertised and then second a for sale sign was banged out front.
2. The house was in need of some TLC and the landlords weren't prepared to come and do it. Whether they were too busy or it wasn't a priority I'm not sure but it didn't help us.
3. It was cold! Seriously it was colder inside than it was outside. Great in summer, not great in winter.
4. My health has been under some serious testing these last few months. Constant migraines and absolutely no energy are just the tip of the symptom iceberg and I just couldn't cope with up keeping a house of the size any more.

So we have down sized and country lifestyles instead. We now have a far more manageable house size and around 3 acres of land - which is so in my dream world of sheep, chickens, pigs, cows, ducks, dogs etc, etc.

I am totally smitten by peace and quite and fresh air. I said to Bubba the other day that life is just to great here to go back to city. I actually don't think I could handle it anymore. I was so made and designed for the country lifestyle. I can't wait to get our animals and gardens happening and enjoy the fruit of our hard work out here.

I have been through numerous tests and am ongoing multiple testing for my health at the moment. I have had upteen blood tests to test for everything under the sun and have started down the path of CT and MRI scans to rule out, or find, anything that is affecting my brain.

My CT came back clear which is a relief but my doctor is amazing and is doing everything he can to get to the bottom of my health concerns so that I can get back to enjoying a normal life. I am still awaiting my MRI results as I have only just been to the John Hunter hospital to have these done.

It is so nice to sit out in the sun and enjoy our new views as I try and escape what has become my normal for now. I try to do every day with as much smile and as much energy as my body will permit me as there is no point sitting around crying and feeling sorry for myself.

Most people wont even know the load I deal with daily as I'm not one to moan about my circumstances when I know there are others out there dealing with their own stuff and often much more.

The rural church that is in front of our property.

We are blessed with an abundance of fruit trees at the farm. We have oranges, lemons, limes, apple, apricots, grapes and passionfruit that I can so far identify. We are looking forward to getting our own vegetable and herb gardens up and running and enjoying the freshness of home grown.

Another biggy that I am trying out at the farm is to eliminate as many chemicals from our lives as possible. One of the reasons I am having so many tests right now is to rule out any serious illness or life threaten diseases before we move onto the path of environmental.

After doing a lot of research, thanks to a good friend over here who dealt with very similar symptoms and lack of enjoyable life, we are looking at a possibility of Multiple Chemical Sensitivity which will usually lead to Chronic Fatigue. There is a very good reason to believe that all the hype around the Paritutu Dioxin Dump in New Plymouth, New Zealand, is a little more true than the so called "government research" would say ( You can read more here and here to get a better picture). This would account for a Mutliple Chemical Sensitivity and why I never had migraines, among other symptoms, until the last three to four years when I moved into a property in this area.

We are very glad to have found somewhere that we can be chemical free and have found an amazing doctor who is open to working with an environment specialist to work through this, providing that the can't find any other medical reason for my symptoms.

So for now we will keep working on why I have the symptoms I do and hope to get to the bottom of it but we are doing everything in our power to try and eliminate the stress that my mind and body are under.
So welcome to our farm and we hope to be a little more chemical free and self sufficient everyday that we are learning more about how to go about it.