Frustrated - Not the normal hearts and flowers post

• I am frustrated at the medical profession and their lack of empathy.
• I am frustrated at the heat.
• I am frustrated that I can't explain to anyone what I am going through.
• I am frustrated that I am unable to keep my house the way I like it to be.
• I am frustrated that all the tests come back "normal" when the quality of my life is anything but.
• I am frustrated that I can't just up and run away.
• I am frustrated that family is so far away.
• I am frustrated with the flies and not being able to use a Robo-can this year.
• I am frustrated with the cost of medications that seem to be a band-aid to problems not addressing why the symptoms are there.
• I am frustrated I am losing touch with my children.
• I am frustrated that I am changing.
• I am frustrated that people choose not to see or help.
• I am frustrated that the smallest task leaves me incredibly tired and fatigued.
• I am frustrated that I am trying and yet it seems worthless at this time.
• I am frustrated that I can't fix it, just get over it or suck it up {all of which I was good at}.
• I am frustrated we live so far from services and the toll it take to get places, physically and financially.
• I am frustrated enough I have to get this out, instead of keeping it to myself, which I have been doing and making no sense of things.
• I am frustrated that my body doesn't feel like it listens to me anymore.
• I am frustrated at all this illness {even though no one can or will name it} has taken from me.
• I am frustrated and scared and struggling my way through this.

I know this is usually the place where you might find the beauty and sparkles of everyday life. But my reality lately is all of the above. I haven't known how to approach it and haven't known how to write without mixing the two worlds. The truth is I need somewhere to write and get these things off my chest and if you choose not to accept this part of MY blog. Please just kindly skip this post and look next to time to check if there are rainbows and butterflies again.

Somehow life does go on in the midst of our darkness and we have to try and make sense of it before it drives us crazy. We don't have the support networks and help we could have if we lived in NZ, but the reality is we couldn't afford to live there with three young children. We are doing what we can to get on our feet here in Australia and unfortunately money does play a role in all of that.

The roads that we are heading down for help for my health is extremely costly for one. We are also blessed to have found a G.P who is doing all he can to point us in the right path for help - but he is only one man. We need more help than just him.

For now I have one word and that is frustrated. It covers so much of what I am feeling and thinking. If you don't like it, that is fine, you don't have to. I am the one who lives with the reality of this everyday and if I want to be frustrated by it, I think I have earned the right.

A pink cake for Miss Emily

Thursday was Miss Em's birthday and I believe you can't have a birthday without a cake. As Em and Mr M are new to our little town, like us, they too don't have the usual special people to spend days like birthdays with.  

SO....
I had a plan. A lovely BBQ dinner and a PINK (Em's favourite colour) birthday cake for dessert.

BUT .....
The BBQ was a little delayed to throw a spanner in the works, literally, thanks to the mechanic husband having to work late. Our house also has very poor air conditioning and I'm sure we managed to cook poor Mr M's brains while he had children climbing all over him and trying to entertaining him, as he was a man down; thanks to the stuck-at-work husband. Mr M ended up with a headache and looking rather pale.
In comes said delayed husband to save the BBQ day and Mr M from the crazed children who wanted to play with him like a new Christmas toy!!!

On to the BEST PARTS Miss Em came prepared with Plum pudding made by her super talented Nana. It was amazing! And custard.....
And THEN.....
The pink cake. I had a few helpers with the cake.

It is a Marble cake recipe by Women's Weekly {with a few extra special touches I have added}.

250g Butter, softened
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 1/4 cups (275g) caster sugar
3 eggs
21/4 cups (335g) self-raising flour
3/4 cup (180ml) milk
pink food colouring
2 tablespoons cocoa powder
2 tablespoons milk, extra

BUTTER FROSTING
90g butter, softened
1 cup (160g) icing sugar
1 tablespoon milk

1. Preheat oven to 180oC/160oC fan-assisted. Grease and line deep 22cm-round cake tin.
2. Beat butter, extract and sugar in medium bowl with electric mixer until light and fluffy. Beat in eggs, one at a time. Stir in sifted flour and milk, in two batches.
3. Divide mixture among three bowls; tint one mixture pink. Blend cocoa and extra milk in cup; stir into second mixture.
4. Drop alternate spoonfuls of mixture into tin.

     5. Pull skewer backwards and forwards through cake mixture {I used a toothpick...}

   
     6. Bake the cake about 1 hour. Stand in tine 5 minute; turn top-side up, onto wire rack to cool
     7. Top with frosting once completely cool.
Butter Frosting
Beat butter in small bowl with electric beaters until light and fluffy; beat in sifted icing sugar and milk, in two batches. Tint pink with colouring.

Jess Tips:
1. Omit vanilla extract and add coconut essence to the WHITE bowl and Strawberry essence + pink food colouring to the PINK bowl.
2. When making the icing put all ingredients in bowl together and beat until light and fluffy BUT also add strawberry essence.

NB: Cake can be stored for two days at room temp, in air tight container {if you can resist this long...} or frozen for two months.

Cake was enjoyed by all with two sets of candle lighting so that Jaybug and Squeak could both assist Miss Emily in blowing out the candles. Of which the only candle in the house was a great big number 5. 

HAPPY 5th BIRTHDAY EM!!!

Thanks for sharing your special day with us Emily xxxx

Thirteen things.... for 2013

1. Read a book a month - starting with something I wouldn't usually read {Bear Grylls - Mud, Sweat and Tears. }
2. Keep up-to-date with Project Life and post here {can't wait to start reading all the first posts in the coming week/s}.
3. Craft more, get a regular craft day.
4. Buy a new computer where the 'Y' key works - without me pressing it 20 times on average to get one Y!
5. Visit my family in Perth and explore the other side.
6. Reach my goal weight and maintain it.
7. Buy a DSLR {Canon 600D I am eye is on you}
8. Bake my way through a cookbook - I am thinking maybe Little Squares and Slices?
9. Take a girls weekend away - good food, company and shopping!
10. Do a fun run and enjoy it and run the whole thing.
11. Have a regular market stall for my crafty.
12. Complete the quilt for Jaybug and Squeak, that the fabric arrived for in December. {Of course I will blog}
13. My Blog - Every year, every month, every day, I think about how to make this space more like me. So I will be embracing my blog. Making a few changes. Finding ways to say the things I have been to scared to say here. Post more. Live more. Enjoy more. Capture more.

Stupid smart sheep

So I've been told sheep are smart. Well I'm just not sure whether they are so stupid that they have us fooled they are smart or so smart they have us believing they are stupid??
 
So it 37 {friggin pants on fire} degrees outside and the three Dorper {breed of sheep} musketeers decide to go on a farm side adventure. They duck under a few fences, visit a few well known tree lines for some shade, stop by the cows for a chinwag. - this all takes place over the course of a few hours just to mess with my day.
THEN they spot it! 
The green grass just the other side of the fence. 
Right next to.... 
The road side.

Great

Bloody

Great

Now I actually have to intervene.

So here's the problem:

1. I'm already 200m behind the three sheep.
2. The paddock they need to return to is where they are clearly going to be hijacking it from once they catch sight of me.
3. Another 200m down the road and there is a school (public embarrassment or help, not sure which?).
4. The road also splits into a fork.
5. I'm wearing gumboots, so can't run in these...
6. Frig squeak is at home with no idea I've bailed outside and taken off down the road (surely farmers do this kind of thing all the time right???)

So anyway long story short we stare it off. The leader makes a dash for it and takes the other two. Then stops giving me a false hope that we might come to some agreement over this little misunderstanding.
I take off my boots, realise the road will scorch my feet, so put my boots back on. the Dorpers {or DORKers as they are known by in our household} hear kids at the school and are distracted enough for me to get just past them enough to shoo them back up the road towards the house. 

The little buggers then speedily gap it under the fence and back into their own paddock like they have been there all along. Seriously.mad.right.now.and.hot.and.mad.

By the time I arrive back, dripping in sweat, they are happily drinking from their trough and I scowl
"don't worry boys it's gonna be much cooler where I have planned for ya".

Bloody sheep! If I didn't have the right to feel yuck with a migraine already I can tell you it's a double O for awesome now!

FYI - marked red flag!

It seems I got a little carried away in my post about heading home to New Zealand. After numerous emails and personal follow ups I can now see that I clearly didn't state that we were going back to New Zealand for a NINE DAY HOLIDAY.

We have had a rough year and moving across the ditch is just the beginning of it and it seems that as I began to write about heading back to New Zealand to see my family, I got a little caught up in the emotion of it all and mislead quite a few people.

• We have not moved back to New Zealand

• We are safely back in little rural New South Wales, Australia.

I humbly apologise for anyone who got overly excited and started planning our homecoming parties! {You may return the cases our champagne that were purchased...}

I also am sorry for any distress or unneeded sleepless nights I have caused anyone thinking they would lose us from our tiny place in New South Wales. {I promise I wasn't packing my bags and doing a midnight runner!}

With that all cleared I hope you may go about and enjoy your weekend. We have lots planned. December 1st means Christmas decorating in our house...
What are you going to be doing this weekend?
Only a twenty five days until Christmas!

Happy Anniversary Baby

Yesterday we celebrated twelve months since Bubba stepped off the plane in the this wonderful Country. He caught the train and arrived to Quirindi, NSW in a mix of heat, nerves, anxiety, frustration, wonder, bewilderment and excitement. Bubba blogged about his arrival here all those long twelve months ago here

So much we had planned and thought would happen has changed or fallen over but at the same time things we never dreamed of, or ever saw possible for our family, have become a reality. There have been lots of doors closed that we didn't see needed to be, and others that we knew needed to be weren't sure how to do it. There have been doors opened that we have been trying to open for years but couldn't quite reach and other doors that have only been able to open once others were finally nailed shut.

It has been a long road but we are thankful for EVERY minute of it, for EVERY person who has made it possible, for EVERY bit of help we have received NO matter how big or small it was it ALL helped. We are thankful for ALL the PRAYERS and THOUGHTS that everyone has given us over the last twelve months. For every new ADVENTURE and STRUGGLE we have been through.

What a twelve months it has been and here's just a few memories....

So here is a toast from Bubba's Facebook last night:

'Well i have survived 12 months in aussie today. Its been an awesome time one of the best jobs i've done seen my kids grow alot whilst here and of course my rock of a wife who has been so strong and has held this family up. Love to you Jess. And cant forget all the great friends we have met. Roll on another 12 months.'

When I asked for the champers I was told I hadn't been here twelve months yet and I had to wait my turn. Men. Huh! 

I'm coming home NZ!

This time next week we will be on a plane on our way back to New Zealand. I have mixed feeling about this and it is hard to put into words. I have come to love our little rural New South Wales town as home and have really found a natural groove over here.
But... it's not where my heart is and as the saying goes 'home is where the heart is'.

We have made some amazing friends and met fabulous people here in Australia but nothing equals the tidal pull of your family. With some big family events and hard times also on the horizon the need to be near family strengthens more.

Talking with friends the other day about how they have decided to make the move back {after five year in this land of the lucky} makes you realise that even time doesn't numb the need for home.
We have had a reasonably hard year with my health and having no family or close family friends has been incredibly difficult. There have been plenty of days where I wished I could have had someone take the kids for a weekend, or cook us a meal, or come and do the housework.

There are so many things happening in New Zealand that we have missed. There are upcoming weddings, babies, graduations, Grandparents getting older, and the likes yet to come. Some days I wonder what we were thinking moving over here to do it all ourselves start a better life.
I have coped by being an emotional bottler. I don't let myself get worked up or lost in the emotion of loss and missing people. I don't write letters, emails, texts or make phone calls. I'm sure I come across cold and heartless but its a coping mechanism to keep myself from feeling the pain of reality.

I am looking forward to next Saturday, walking off that plane and seeing the people who I sometimes try to forget. I can feel the pain of having missed them in the comfort of their presence. I am looking forward to catching up on everything I have missed and slipping back in to the spot that I know they can't fill without me.

Look out New Zealand these five crazy ditch hoppers have had some sense knocked into them and are coming home!

Goody, Goody, Gumdrops icecream

Tip top ice creams

Toffeepops

Eskimo Lollies

Krispie Biscuits (plain and choc coated)

ETA chips

Krispa Chicken Corn Chips

Reduced Cream Onion Dip

Mallowpuffs

Cameo cremes (mint)

Griffins biscuits in general

Export Gold

Tui

And so much more...

{Hmmmm Round 4 12WBT is going to need to kick my bum! I do not need this food, I do not need this food!)

BUT Sydney we will see you again........

A week later!