They say the grass always looks greener on the other side. Currently we have lush green grass, due to an unusual amount of summer rain, but that is about where it stops.....
Life is daunting and uncertain.
I carry the weight of it all and it all compounds in my head at 3am when I am tossing and turning.
It suddenly hits me in the quiet moments when the kids are at school and Squeak and I are cuddled up on the couch watching a movie together.
The reality is in my head as I pay another medical bill, cancel a specialist appointment or as I try to avoid going to buy more medication that we can't afford right now.
As much as I love being a stay at home Mum this world we now live in makes it very hard for this to be possible. I know that I have been lucky enough to have this privilege for longer than a lot of other people now days. Reality is that we need an extra income now as I just can't see another way through. And in this lies a problem of its own - childcare. I didn't have children for someone else to raise them or look after them while I pursued dreams of my own. But now it isn't even about that, it is to the point where me working is about the only way to add that extra few dollars that is continually required; for school, living costs, groceries, petrol, insurances. Don't even start to talk about savings toward buying our own house or going on some luxury holiday - in my mind there is no chance. Or the fact that I have lost 16kg and a new wardrobe is nothing but a fairytale I dream.
Yes we could look at reducing our living costs as rent here is exorbitant due to the market demand but once we move other sacrifices come into play. The children would have to look at moving from an amazing school where they have made awesome friends. BUT Driving them back to school would defeat the purpose of moving to reduce costs.
We are at the advantage in our current property to rear our own animals for meat and to grow our produce - which in the long run will benefit both our pockets and health. The ability to know what is chemically in our food is necessary for my health. Unfortunately getting a garden establish requires time and MONEY. Long term benefits and gain YES! but short term it is just unachievable right now.
Jobs aren't something that is abounding for a mother of three with no skill or qualification. I know this is something I am going to face when ever I choose to take that step towards the working world and it is scary as hell. My health is also another concern as we still are no better off in answers as to why I get debilitating migraines, torturous nerve pain, weakness in my limbs, brain dysfunctions, creeping numbness with pins and needles and so much more.
Medication and maintaining a healthy lifestyle is what is helping me to even function in life {I am currently on day five of a migraine that has finally won putting me in hospital for stronger medication BUT which made me chronically ill due to a reaction I had to it}
It worries me to think of putting more stress on my body than it can cope with. We are currently awaiting specialist appointments but these again are just another financial strain.
I have become a Tupperware demonstrator in the hope to fill in a few of the money gaps but unless I get the demonstrations and only when they are of a certain amount in sales is there any benefit and gain. I am now imagining myself working at McDonalds or Hungry Jacks as it is about all there is available for someone of my skill. But whats the point in the extra $100 in our pockets for the stress?
I wish I was going to Ruawai this weekend to spend time with my family for my grandparents 60th wedding anniversary but I. just. can't. and its another one of those moments where you have to live with the choice of being in another country. In moments like this I feel the heartache of our decision to be here and when things are tough financially and in health I sometimes wonder if it is all worth it.
We moved here because we wanted a better life for our children and while Corey and I suffer the pain of being here the kids are doing really well. They love school and their friends. They are achieving above standard in their learning and sport. But would they do that anywhere? I question myself everyday.....
We know that we moved because we didn't realistically have a chance of bettering ourselves in NZ. Here I know we do. We didn't have parents who took our kids so that we could have time together or time out, so here it isn't much different. We had great friends who we relied on, and I miss many of them daily, but we are developing and growing strong friendships here.
Our biggest support was seven hours away - they are now roughly the same amount of time with a plane ride too. We have the landline phone now to keep in contact with everyone but still it barely rings. People are quick to say they wish they could help but the reality is there was a chance to and they never did so we aren't missing much.
Yes life is hard but I suck it up and I get on with it. Most people would have no idea because we aren't the kind of people to moan and groan. We try our best to fix our problems and find our own solutions without relying on other people. Yes this is a BIG whinge but we are going to sort it the best we know how. Stumbling our way through and feeling that great sense of achievement when we know we got there by ourselves. I just needed to get it out of my head that is already exploding beyond my control.
